Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

Peelz and Preddy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.
"Hang on, I have an idea," Preddy said.
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
"Are you crazy?" Peelz asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"
"Don't worry," Preddy replied. "Just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.
"Now you've lost it," Peelz said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Preddy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."
They downed their drinks. Preddy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the 10th pub, Peelz said, "Preddy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
"How do you think I feel?" Preddy replied. "I'm so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

[dragonz]

 

[kyledvor61]

hahahahahaha fucking awesome.



and mitch hedburg ftw

[Krandall]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her outer labia are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.


She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says: "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"


"Don't worry," he says: "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."


"Who is the third rose from?" she asks.


"Oh," says the doctor: "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[Krandall]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees three golf balls and $1,000.


She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains: "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."


She figures three times in 30 years isn't bad and asks: "But what about the $1,000?"


"Oh, that..." he replied: "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them."

[NaturalRaptor]

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your butt, but no you thought that might hurt!"

[Peelz]

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your butt, but no you thought that might hurt!"

[Krandall]

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your butt, but no you thought that might hurt!"

[Krandall]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office with burns on both of her ears. The doctor asks her what happened.


"Well..." she begins, "I was ironing my work suit when the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."


"Well that explains one ear," the doctor said, "but what about the other?"


"The bastard called again!"

[Krandall]

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they would like, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says: "No, no, no -- you are gripping the club way too hard!"
"What should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says: "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What should I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.
"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."

[Temptation]

Two siblings walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the girl, "Miss, how old are you?"

"Eight," the girl replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The girl replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's eight. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."







A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably
won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You're going to
be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in
the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how
many inches you want.. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'





A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
"How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to herhusband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You'r right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.

"You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi."




Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see e, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?





Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,

'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?"

"Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life . . . better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life!"

"As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'"

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussywillows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GERD, DON'T SWING!'

[Krandall]

 

[Lady4Fiddy]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra. He asks the Pharmacist: " Can I have 6 tablets cut into quarters?"

Pharmacist replies: "I can cut them for you but a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection".

"I am 96" said the old man. "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so that I don't piss on my slippers!"

[disco]

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.  So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.  After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE !

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[disco]

The shortest fairy tale EVER!!!



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,

'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting, played golf a lot and drank beer, scotch. He had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end!