Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

^ laughing out loud

How many raptor source Admin does it take to change a lightbulb?

















none, I'll do it because all their hands are busy with circle jerk.

[Flynbyu]

Jerkoff.



~Brian

[dragonz]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it
up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the
alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast!.

[dragonz]

5 Minute Management Course






Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[dragonz]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the footpath in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighters' helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks out to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks, Mister Fireman,' the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster!'

The little girl replies sweetly, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[dragonz]

CAR TROUBLE 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 
She says, "What's the story?" 
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" 
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" 
   
SPEEDING TICKET 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" 
 
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" 
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You  ARE on the other side." 
   
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 
    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; 
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? 
    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." 
    "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." 
   
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! 
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" 
    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" 
   
BLONDE ON THE SUN 
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" 
    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"   
    The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" 
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" 
   
IN A VACUUM 
     A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" 
    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" 
   
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" 
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs!"

[Lady4Fiddy]

That's too funny!  ^^^^     

[dragonz]

Some funny, some a bit preachy, but I'm sure they all can be twisted to suit the occasion
RULES TO CONSIDER

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, &never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[Krandall]

woman just sent me this.

Want to have a great barbeque this memorial day weekend?  Here is a step by step look at the Great American Barbeque.

1. The man says: Woman, we're gonna barbeque.
2. The woman goes to the grocery store and buys the meat, chips, condiments, drinks, etc.
3. The man turns on the grill and stands with a beer, waiting for the woman to bring him the meat and proper utensils.  He is usually wearing sandals and khaki shorts.
4. The woman prepares the meat.
5. The woman brings the man the meat, utensils and another beer and returns to the kitchen to prepare the chips, potato salad, plates, etc.
6. The man stands by the grill with his tongs and a beer.
7. The woman tells the man that the meat is burning at which point he says "Thanks woman!"
8. The woman brings out the buns, plates, potato salad, etc. and asks all the guests what kind of beverage they would like and then serves it to them.
9. Everyone eats.
10. The woman brings all of the leftovers and dirty dishes into the kitchen and cleans up.  While the man starts on his third beer.
11. Everyone says "Wow "randy" what a delicious meal.  The barbeque was great!  Thanks for a great time!"
12. The man comes into the kitchen where the woman has just sat down from cleaning and putting things away and says "you're welcome woman!  You're welcome for making dinner.  Wasn't it great to have a night off."

[dragonz]

Can't remember if I have posted this already.................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too' 

And then the fight started.....


Just in case:

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Krandall]

 

[disco]

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.20This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your    ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[disco]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to  Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey", she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:  "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. "Send extra sauce."

[Krandall]

 

[Peelz]

good one disco!