Post some good jokes here!!!!

[wastednuts]

 

[dragonz]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and
towards


the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.



You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'but for a

million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'



'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does

NOT build its own nest?'



A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo



I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and
phone  me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate,
and told

him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.



'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'



'Are you sure?'



'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and said, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo
as


me answer.'



'Is that your final answer?'



'Dat it is, Sir.'



There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo
is


the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'



The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink.


'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that
doesn't build its own nest?



'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

[kyledvor61]

 

[Krandall]

AWESOME!

[Peelz]

hiysterical dragonz. 

[Eagle700R]

A man walks into the doctors office (and in a strange voice)
Says doctor theres something wrong with my voice.
The doctor says come on in strip down and ill examine you.

The doctor checks him out and says holy shit you got 18in penis and it straining your vocal cords.
(In a stange voice)
The guy says well what can i do about it.
The doctor says i can cut it down to about 6 inches.
(in a strange voice)
The guys says that will be just fine.


He has the surgery and come back 2weeks later

(In a normal voice)the guys says doctor sex with my wife is wonderful,and my voice is back to normal,by the way do you have a piece of that penis around my wife wants it for a display.

(IN A STRANGE VOICE) the doctor says well should be around here somewhere..

[Krandall]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing GERD, she asked, "Is my time up?" GERD said, "No, you
have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of GERD, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?" GERD replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you"

[Colorado700R]

From Email:

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing
>>> stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red
>>> light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman
>>> was furious and honked her horn screaming in frustration as she
>>> missed her chance to get through the intersection dropping her cell
>>> phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant she heard a tap on
>>> her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police
>>> officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

>>> He took her to the police station where she was searched
>>> fingerprinted photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a
>>> couple of hours a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
>>> She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
>>> officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said ''I'm very
>>> sorry for this mistake. You see I pulled up behind your car while
>>> you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and
>>> cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
>>> bumper sticker the 'Choose Life' license plate holder the 'Follow Me
>>> to Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian
>>> fish emblem on the trunk so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[Krandall]

It's soooo true.

[dragonz]

It's soooo true.

+1 

[Krandall]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[Krandall]

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.


When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.


Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him: "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"


To which he replied: "That would be fine with me."


Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.


Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Temptation]

Here is one I got in a text.



What does a 9 volt battery and a womans butthole have in common?



















U know its wrong, but sooner or later your gonna touch it with your tongue.

[Krandall]

For those familiar w/ Mitch Hedburg!


A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "you know I can't knit, motherfucker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.

[Krandall]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says: "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"