Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Hefe]

that one is GREAT!

[disco]

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. But, before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.


"Olympic condoms?" she blurts: "What makes them so special?"


"There are three colors," he replies: "gold, silver and bronze."


"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.


"Gold of course," says the man proudly.


The wife responds wryly: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change." 

[Peelz]

LMAO!

[Danny T]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.


"Olympic condoms?" she blurts: "What makes them so special?"


"There are three colors," he replies: "gold, silver and bronze."


"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.


"Gold of course," says the man proudly.


The wife responds wryly: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change." 

lmfaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo good one!

[NaturalRaptor]

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. But, before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

I could see myself doing that!!! 

[Temptation]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey. "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, dittybops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink.

Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint.

He looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "ff****ccckkkk dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"






There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

[Krandall]

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.


"Don't worry," he assures her: "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."


As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps: "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"


"No problem," he replies: "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."


After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.


"That bitch!" he exclaims: "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" 

[Krandall]

There once were three little pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom and then left.


The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom and then left.


The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down. He was just about to leave when the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom.


"No," he replied: "I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home."

[Krandall]

 married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.


"What's up?" he asks.


"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.


He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"


The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.


"You bastard!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

[Krandall]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says: "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."


The second woman says: "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."


The third woman just shakes her head and says: "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[Krandall]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and 11 other bells began to ring.

[Peelz]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and 11 other bells began to ring.

Is this the raptorsource monastery?

[Colorado700R]

Once a MARINE - Always a MARINE !!

   On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. 

   She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this ?"

   He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes Dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

   She said, "Yes, that's right.  Do you remember what you said to me that night ?"

   He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those tits and screw your brains out.'"

   She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said.  So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.  What do you have to say tonight ?"





   He looked her up and down and said, "Mission accomplished !!"