Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door.


"What are you doing!" asks her mother.


"Mom, it's my love dress!" she replies, "Don't you like it?"


"I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother.


A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her.


"Now what are you doing?" she asks.


"Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!"


"I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother.


Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude.


"Honey, what the hell are you doing?" asks the husband.


"It's my love dress!" she explains. "What do you think of it?"


"Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

[Krandall]

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.


"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.


"True," admitted the barber, "but you gotta admit I have one hell of a mustache!"

[Krandall]

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of Scotch, pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."


The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."


The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and FERK the cat."

[Krandall]

A blond pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the blond pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.


The blond pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off."


The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"


"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook."


Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"


"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye."


The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"


"Well," the blond pirate explains, "it was me first day with the hook."

[Krandall]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.


Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"


"Yes it is," the man replies.


"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.


"No thanks," the man replies.


"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.


"Okay. How much?" the man asks after considering the position he is in.


"25 dollars," the little boy replies.


"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.


The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.


"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.


"Yes it is," replies the man.


"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.


"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.


"50 dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.


The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."


"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.


"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.


"75 dollars," the little boy says.


"75 DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.


At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"


"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies.

[Krandall]

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.


"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."


The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.


"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

[ctateusa]

Did you hear they changed the cause of death on MJ's death certificate?

It was changed to food poisoning after the coroner found out he ate a 6 year old weiner.

[Warren]

a guy at work told me this one the other day. i thought it was pretty funny.

3 new rookies start at a mining company. 2 white guys and a chinese guy.

they all walk up to the boss in charge and ask where they should go. the first white guy gets sent down to start drilling blasting holes in the new tunnel being made. and the second white guy gets sent down after him to start blasting.

the boss then tells the chinese guy that he will be in charge of supplies for the 2 white guys. well after a few hours of blasting they run out of supplies. so they go to find the chinese man. as soon as they got to the end of the tunnel the chinese man jumps out and yells "SUPPRIES"

[Peelz]

Raughing out ROud warren. R.O.R.

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

One day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."


So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder: "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"


The second man turns around and says: "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?" 


"I'm from Dublin" he says.


"Me too!" the second man says: "What street do you live on?"


"McCarthy street" he says.


"Me too!" the second man replies: "What number is it?"


"162," he says.


"Me too!" the second man exclaims: "What are your parents' names?"


"Connor and Shannon", the man says.


"Mine too!" the second man cries out: "This is unbelievable!"


They buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks: "What's new today?"


"Oh, nothing," the bartender replies: "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Krandall]

When her husband passed away, a wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."


"Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea," the widow replied, "but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than as the big shit that he really was." 

========================================================================================

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop: "As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

[Krandall]

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a Grenade at you?



A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

[Temptation]

Cooking Request

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.   

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

'What are you doing?' he asks.

'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed VERY drunk,' she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, 'I don't remember asking her to cook my sock......

[Krandall]

Had to read it twice!