Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." '

[Magz]

dull joke, but its a joke.........   :meh:


An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."

[Magz]

I went into a computer store. I told the clerk I was, looking for a mystery adventure game with, lots of graphics. Something really challenging."
After a while the clerk replied, "Have you tried Windows 2000?"

Was he serious???

[Krandall]

Windows 2000 was awesome. Maybe he meant Windows ME.

2000 was one of windows most stable systems. easily.

[Magz]

it was a joke

[Krandall]

that is a failed nerd joke.

[Magz]

or vise versa. 

[Krandall]

A man goes to his GP and the doctor finds he has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on it and tells the patient to come back the next day.

"It's all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns. "What was the medication you gave me?"

"Lipstick remover."

[Geo]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers
back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Krandall]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day: "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff: "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Though impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks his acquaintanceship with Cruise was just lucky.

"No, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says. "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying: "Bubba, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba, "I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square, when Bubba says: "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says: "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

[Krandall]

A guy walks into his local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says: "Hi. You know, I just hate being on social security. I'd really rather have a job."

"Your timing is excellent," says the social worker behind the counter. "We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on overseas holiday trips, and you'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $400,000 a year."

The guy says: "You're kidding!"

"Yes," the social worker replies, "but you started it."

[Krandall]

A man sees a gorgeous woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."

[Peelz]

A man sees a gorgeous woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."

[Spartan]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Out Back Welding]

wow.. sick, yet funny.