Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

lol

[Krandall]

A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely." To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says: "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies: "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy."

Another student says: "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher again replies: "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher: "Do farts have lumps?"

The teacher looked at him and said: "No. But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."

So the student replies: "Then I definitely shit my pants."

[Peelz]

^^^^^ simple, classy, and hilarious!

[Krandall]

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her father had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her father had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said: "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. You can follow me over to K-Mart now if you like."

[Krandall]

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said: 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[dragonz]

^^so clever at such a young age^^

[Krandall]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect camping trip. Two days before the group is set to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but realize there's little they can do to change her mind.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" one of the friends asks.

"Well, I've been here since yesterday," Rob replies. "Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over and she had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.' So here I am."

[Out Back Welding]

 

had to tell my wife this one.

[Krandall]

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walked in. After a while they got to talking and at about 10:30 p.m. the second guy said: "I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies: "I'll help you out. Just do what I say. Go home, sneak into the bedroom and pull back the covers. Get down between her legs. Then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home.

When he gets home, the house is pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulls back the covers and proceeds to lick for 20 minutes. Afterwards he decides to wash his face.

As he walks into the bathroom, his wife is sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screams: "What the hell are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!" she exclaims. "You'll wake my mother."

[Krandall]

A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.

"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts."

[Krandall]

Jake and his buddy Frank visit a brothel. Jake goes into the room with the prostitute first while Frank waits outside.

When he's done, Jake closes the door behind him and says: "Don't waste your time. My wife's better."

But Frank goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says: "Damn, Jake, you were right. Your wife is better."

[Krandall]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says: "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says: "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."

[Krandall]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and shouts: "What are you doing?!"

The blind man replies: "Just looking around."

[Magz]

[Magz]

At an international medical conference, an American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said, "I can't stand it sometimes. We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS."
"I know what you mean," said the German. "We treat them for yellow fever and it turns out they had malaria."
"We don't have that problem in our country," said the Russian doctor. "When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease."