Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

Heard that one before 4fizzle.


New joke today made my day.


I once overheard someone say we would have a black president...
I also heard anothe guy say "Yeah right, When Pig's fly"
Now, 100 days into Obama's administration:

V
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v








SWINE "FLU"   

[Lady4Fiddy]

Heard that one before 4fizzle.


New joke today made my day.


I once overheard someone say we would have a black president...
I also heard anothe guy say "Yeah right, When Pig's fly"
Now, 100 days into Obama's administration:

V
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v








SWINE "FLU"   

That was lame, I got that text from 3 different people last night. I didn't even laugh.

[kdanderson5]

Heard that one before 4fizzle.


New joke today made my day.


I once overheard someone say we would have a black president...
I also heard anothe guy say "Yeah right, When Pig's fly"
Now, 100 days into Obama's administration:

V
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v








SWINE "FLU"   

That was lame, I got that text from 3 different people last night. I didn't even laugh.

BURN! 

[Peelz]

The only thing lady4fiddy can burn is her eyes from her bathtub exploding.

[Lady4Fiddy]

The only thing lady4fiddy can burn is her eyes from her bathtub exploding.

Not true, all I have to do is look at you Peels and my eyes are burning. 

[dragonz]

sick joke of the day

What is more fun than burying 6 babies up to their necks in the lawn?

Mowing the lawn.........................

[disco]

Not really jokes but some funny stuff I came across.  Seen it before but it's been a while.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Krandall]

 

[dragonz]

Bad Biker Pick-up Lines...very freck'n bad

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!


1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go FERK.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be stupid, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. FERK me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

[kyledvor61]

ERMAHGERD

[dragonz]

A young child walks into the kitchen, while his mother is making dinner,
"Mum, why is my name rose?"
"Because, on the day you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." replied the mother with an affectionate smile.

Roses sister came in a short while later, and asked, "Mum, why am I called Lilly?"
"Because," replied her mother, "on the day I had you, a lilly blew in through the window, and landed on your pretty face."











A third child came in not long after these conversations took place, and said.
"Muygfsudh ashakdjsh?"

To which the mother replied.
"Shut up fridge!"

[Krandall]

 

[dragonz]

A student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.

He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out, and jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look" he says and pulls the cork out again.

"... On the road again ..."

The doctor is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen" the student asked?

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

[Krandall]

  


HEY! I like country music!   (older stuff anyways.)

[Flynbyu]

A string walks into a  bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

~Brian