Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

 

[kyledvor61]

  awesome

[dragonz]

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books - poof! Up in flames, and they hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

[BLU700R]

Well sad news today they found Ellen Degeneres dead! She Drown. They found her face down in Ricki Lake

[dragonz]

> >SOUTH AUCKLAND SECONDARY COLLEGE - MATHEMATICS EXAM
> >
> >
> >NAME ............................
> >
> >
> >GANG ............................
> >
> >
> >Time allowed: 1 hour
> >
> >
> >1. If Selu lowers his WRX two inches front and back & puts on stolen
> >18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he lost from the
> >Stock suspension?
> >
> >2. If Vili needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors
> >Will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?
> >
> >3. If Esai runs 10 km from the Police in Onehunga to Papatoetoe,then
> >steals a car and drives another 5 km to Sandringham, how many
> >kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Botany Downs
> Shopping Centre?
> >
> >4. Mei Ling has 2 ounces of cocaine and she sells an "8 ball" to Rangi
> >For $320.00 and 2 grams to Vili Fevaliki for $85.00 per gram. What is
> >the street value of the balance of the cocaine if she doesn't cut it?
> >
> >5. If Jake the Muss receives $200.00 per week disability allowance From
>
> >WINZ & works for his brother as a builder and receives a further
> >$400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11
> >children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed
> >Bongo van from South Auckland Wreckers?
> >
> >6. If Soula needs 25ml of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair And
>
> >Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she Is
>
> >47?
> >
> >7. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of
> >10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
> >drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
> >
> >8. If Tarek runs a Doner Kebab shop in Manukau City, and works as a
> >Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does
> >WINZ give him For his job search allowance?
> >
> >9. If West Auckland's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5%
> >Per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at
> >what Rate are the kiwis leaving?
> >
> >10. Selu is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the
> >trick,how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Selu can pay
> >For his $200 per day crack habit?
> >
> >11. If Esai drives his family and cousins all in one car from Rainbows
> >End to Auckland Hospital,how many round trips will he need to make if
> >40 Of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant
>
> >at Any one given time?
> >
> >12. If Tareq's brother has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and
> >Reveals 1 x golden Islamic charm, and 2 other golden ornaments, and has
>
> >Approximately 17sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average
> >length of 2 cm, What is the probability that the ornaments will be
> >visible from:
> >a) 2 feet away .....%
> >b) 5 feet away .....%
> >c) 100 feet away .....%
> >
> >END OF EXAM

[Peelz]

WTF Dragonz?

[Flynbyu]

Damn Kiwi.

~Brian

[dragonz]

pick on your favourite part of town & substitute for South Auckland (think low socioeconomic grouping)

[Peelz]

pick on your favourite part of town & substitute for South Auckland (think low socioeconomic grouping)

can I substitute miles for kilometers, Ounces for Milliliters, and what is WINZ?

[dragonz]

pick on your favourite part of town & substitute for South Auckland (think low socioeconomic grouping)

can I substitute miles for kilometers, Ounces for Milliliters, and what is WINZ?

WINZ
Work & Income NZ
They look after unemployment benefits, child support payments, you know, all the welfare stuff that the bludgers get that don't work & pay tax

[disco]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the Cabbie said, "perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his  widow.

[dragonz]

The worst answers from Family Fortunes:

Something made of wool: "A sheep.."
A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."
An animal with horns: "A bee..."
A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."
Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."
Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."
A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."
A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."
Something associated with rain: "Water.."
A fast animal: "A hippo.."
A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."
An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar..
A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."
Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."
A famous royal: "Mail.."
Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."
A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."
Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."
Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."
A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

[dragonz]

Sick one-liners:

what has 4 legs and one arm?         
pitbull coming from a playground
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Be honest.
Who found the twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, sexier before they reached 18?
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RK was two inches away from getting a blow job last night!
I think he'll try harder with sit ups today...
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I've just found out I have Chlamydia. My daughter's senior school had better have a damned good explanation.

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2 pedophiles are standing at a playground.

"hey! look at the 6 year old over there!"

"thats nothing. you should have seen her 3 years ago!"

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What's the upside to going on a date with an anorexic?

You don't have to wait 'til after dinner to try and get into her knickers.
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All this talk of kids being influenced by computer games is bollocks.

I spent the 80s playing pac-man and if It'd influenced me I'd have spent the next decade bouncing around a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

Oh wait...
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I hope that soon, two seven year old kids playing violin will audition on Britain's Got Talent.

That way Ant & Dec can say

"Now after the break we've got a couple of Kiddy Fiddlers!"
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Just arrived in Australia recently. The woman at immigration had asked me about my criminal history.

I replied: "Didn't realise that was still mandatory."

[dragonz]

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Two nuns riding their bikes round the back streets of Rome , one nun says to the other "Ive never come this way before"!

The other nun says "I know , Its great , I think it must be the cobblestones" !

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Whats the difference between essex girls and a kitkat?

You can only get 4 fingers in a kitkat.

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What's white and takes no shit?

A blocked toilet.

[dragonz]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?'

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well,to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call thems by their last name.'