Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

busby you wanker!!!

another great joke

[Krandall]

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[Krandall]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the display case to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "whoops" and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a handsome young salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with: "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little indiscretion, she asks: "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers: "Madam... if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[Peelz]

[Krandall]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," he instructs her: "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.

"No, from skipping."

[Busby]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will GERD get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think GERD would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'


'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.


'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

 
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

 
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

 
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

 
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.'

[Krandall]

[Lady4Fiddy]

ERMAHGERD!!!! Busby good one!

[Peelz]

that is straight up awesome.

[Krandall]

A Wife stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small white card: "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and a great lover."

"Yeah," the husband nodded: "and it got your weight wrong, too."

[Peelz]

  awesome

[Krandall]

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said: "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered: "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly: "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue: "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Henderson's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[Busby]

  great

[Krandall]

An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and says: "Master, you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes. What would you like?"

The Irishman scratches his head, then answers: "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."

"Granted, Master," the Genie says, and produces the bottle. The man is delighted and gets drunk on this one magical bottle for weeks before he remembers that he has two other wishes. He rubs the lamp again and the Genie appears.

"Yes, Master, you have two more wishes. What would you like?" the Genie asks.

"You know that magical bottomless Guinness bottle?" he asks the Genie: "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them."

[Hefe]

lol..