Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Lady4Fiddy]

  ERMAHGERD Matt... good ones!

[Colorado700R]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

BAHAHAHAHAH!!!

[Krandall]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said: "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said: "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!"

[funyun]

I thought good jokes were posted here

[Krandall]

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."




sounds like Aaron.

[Lady4Fiddy]

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."




sounds like Aaron.

It does... only I got the shit end of the deal!

[dragonz]

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."




sounds like Aaron.

It does... only I got the shit end of the deal!

let me guess, you voted against

[Krandall]

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

[Colorado700R]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson. 
I  studied hard and got good grades. 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD..  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.



Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the   ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[Krandall]

An attractive young woman and her dowdy middle-aged aunt arrived at the doctor's office.

"We're here for an examination," the beautiful young woman said.

"All right," the doctor said: "Go behind that curtain and take off all of your clothes."

"Oh, no, not me," the young woman said: "It's for my aunt, here."

"Oh, I see," the doctor said, turning to the aunt: "In that case, stick out your tongue."

[Spider/Paleface513]

Stimulus check

 
    This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:
   
    
    Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
   
    A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
   
    
    Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
   
    A.  From taxpayers.
   
    
    Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
   
    A.  Only a smidgen of it.
   
    
    Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
   
    A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
   
    
    Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
   
    A.  Shut up.
   
    
    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:       
    
    
            
    
        *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will
go to China or Sri Lanka .
    
    
        *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the
Arabs.
   
    
        *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or
China . 
    
        
    
        *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..
    
        
    
        *  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .
 
   
      
    
        *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
    
      
    
        *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
    
    
    Instead,  keep the money in America by:
    
    
    1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or     
    
    2)  Going to ball games,  or   
    
    3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or     
    
    4)  Beer or     
    
    5) Tattoos.
   
    
    (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
 
 
 
    Conclusion:
    
    Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
 
   
    No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.
 
 
 

[Peelz]

 

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
   
    A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
   
   
    Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
   
    A.  Shut up.

[Magz]

made me think of RS when reading. 

New 2010 government program

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers)..

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided
themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT
you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)



PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel
has been turned off.

[Spider/Paleface513]

Someone go hold a lantern at end if the tunnel,please

[Peelz]

awesome Mags. I wanna qualify for them all!