Post some good jokes here!!!!

[BRAD]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough....

[BRAD]

Try to come up with the answer on your own.  The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing............. What are they both thinking?
































Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.

[BRAD]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.  Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.  He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.  'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.  They're just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch

[BRAD]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bath.

One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient 'down there.'  They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him. 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.  After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined.  No pulse, no heart rate, nothing.

The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened?'

The husband said, 'I'm not sure... maybe she choked?

[Peelz]

Hilarious B-RAD!  sick..but funny!

[robkd]

How can you tell when your too drunk to drive? 

When you swerve to dodge a tree and then realize it was just the damn air freshner!

[robkd]

A doctor is upset with himself because he slept with one of his patients.  The devil on his shoulder says, "its ok, a lot of doctors do that" and the angel on his shoulder says "are you kidding?!" Your a VET!

[Peelz]

A doctor is upset with himself because he slept with one of his patients.  The devil on his shoulder says, "its ok, a lot of doctors do that" and the angel on his shoulder says "are you kidding?!" Your a VET!

[robkd]

why do midgets laugh when they run? 

the grass tickles there balls.

[BRAD]

A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS BEING SHOWN AROUND THE HOSPITAL WHEN DURING HER TOUR,
SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING FURIOUSLY. "OH MY GERD SCREAMED THE WOMAN, "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT??"

THE DOCTOR WHO WAS LEADING THE TOUR CALMLY EXPLAINED, "I'M VERY SORRY THAT YOU WERE EXPOSED TO THAT, BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE HIS TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN, AND IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT AT LEAST 5 TIMES A DAY, HE'LL BE IN EXTREME PAIN AND HIS TESTICLES COULD EASILY RUPTURE."

"OH WELL, IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM, A MALE PATIENT WAS LYING IN BED AND IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT A NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON HIM. AGAIN, THE WOMAN SCREAMED, "OH MY GERD!! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"

AGAIN THE DOCTOR SPOKE VERY CALMLY,
"SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN."

So, What card is in YOUR wallet?

[BRAD]

Alabama News Flash



This news just in:  All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.  A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, "them sombitches sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama".

[Colorado700R]

 

[Krandall]

This REALLY wouldn't surprise me. 

[disco]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad--as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited-edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug.
__________________

[disco]

Blonde Mortician


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...

So I just switched the heads.' .