Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A man walks into a music store to buy an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he discovers that he forgot his wallet. But instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.

The cashier spots him on the way out and yells: "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I haven't heard any complaints."

[Peelz]

hi-yo!!! 

[Krandall]

A man, his father, and his grandfather are ready to start a round of golf. The starter walks up and asks if he could pair the men up with a fourth. Though they are hesitant, the men accept. Soon, a beautiful blonde woman walks to the tee and they all start the round.

The woman is playing perfectly and is even par on the last hole. Eyeing her 15-foot putt for birdie, she asks the men for some advice.

"I have never shot under par," she says. "And whoever gives me the best advice so that I can make this putt will get a blow job."

The son hops up and says: "You should aim three inches left and hit it pretty hard."

His dad interrupts: "No, no. Hit it four inches to the left and softly."

The grandfather walks up, stares at the ball for awhile and says, "Pick it up. It's a gimmie."

[Krandall]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

[Krandall]

A man is sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby is being difficult, so she says: "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man next to me."

Ten minutes later, the baby is still playing up, so she says again: "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man sitting here."

After a moment the guy turns to her and says: "Make your mind up! I should've got off four stops ago!"

[Krandall]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says: "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Peelz]

love it ^

[Krandall]

totally for funnerz! 


A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem," he says, "the donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish. If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head. "Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains, "It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"

[Magz]

[rappyfreak]

A little kid finds his parents doing oral to each other (the ole 69), the kid gets pissed off and shouts: "How nice, and you sent me to the psychologist for sucking on my thumb?"

[rappyfreak]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?

· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

· Could we run away?

· What does my wife think?

· What about the kids?

· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

· What does the law say about this situation?

· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

· Should I call 9-1-1?

· Why is this street so deserted?

· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.

· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

· This is all so confusing!

...............................
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

...........................
Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Krandall]

A man walks into a lingerie store to buy a bra for his wife.

"There are three main types," explains the saleswoman. "The Catholic, the Salvation Army and the Baptist."

"What's the difference?" asks the man.

"Well, the Catholic supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts the fallen, and the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills."

[Colorado700R]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Krandall]

Aaron!

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to enjoy some lovemaking. When they were finished, the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she approached a male friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said. "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

[rappyfreak]

A blind guy goes to get his prostate checked. Conversation before the test:
Blind guy: "hey doc, can I grab your penis while you perform the test?"
Doctor (a little puzzled): "Why do you want to do that? are you gay?"
Blind guy: "nope, just wanna make sure it's your finger back there!"