Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A man gets up to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's making and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night, when you came to bed very drunk and slurring your words," she replies.

Puzzled, the man walks away thinking: "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock... "

[Magz]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late
one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to
my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00
for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I
just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened.
I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought,'This is going to make a loud noise.  So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

[Magz]

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

[Magz]

Daddy, how was I born?
Well son Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!
 

[Magz]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[Krandall]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Krandall]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The doctor took Morris aside and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

[Krandall]

A man went with his wife on their honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio," he replied.

"Don't you mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes," He explained.

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had Kneesles," he said.

"Don't you mean measles?" she inquired.

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees," he explained.

When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

[Hefe]

one of my favorite jokes ever

my friend Sarah has tears in her eyes every time she hears that joke

[Krandall]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turned to the other and said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep... No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

[Krandall]

A man and his wife were driving down the road when they saw an attractive blonde jogging by.

"That's what I should be doing," the man told his wife.

"What, jogging?" she asked.

"No, her."

[Magz]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This kind of sensitivity just cant be taught!


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught....

[Krandall]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

"Well the joke's on those stupid bastards," Paddy replies, "because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

[Krandall]

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher said: "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude. Where would I be eating?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny put up his hand and replied: "My guess is you'd be eating alone!"

[Krandall]

Two guys are chatting in their hospital beds.

"What are you in for?" one asks.

"Camera down the throat," the other replies.

"Oh, endoscopy?" the first one asks.

"Yes," he says, "Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?"

"Camera up the ass," he replies.

"Oh, colonoscopy? Checking for bowel cancer?"

"No, my wife caught me taking a photo of our neighbor sunbathing."