Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he boarded the plane, he felt the seats and said: "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered: "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar in a nearby hotel. Upon arriving at the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed: "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied: "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied: "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the hotel swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting: "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

[Peelz]

I asked GERD for a bike, but I know GERD doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[Krandall]

How To Bathe A Cat


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

[Krandall]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame. He makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

[Krandall]

A notorious mafia boss is looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He then gets greedy and decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that his collection is late and sends some of his hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoods drag the guy to an interpreter.

One of the hoods says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"

[Krandall]

Patrick Murphy and Sean O'Brien, two Irishmen, grew up together and were lifelong friends. But Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy: "O'Brien, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."

Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneeled beside him.

"Seany, ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brien burst into tears: "Anything, Patrick. Anything ye wish."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones, and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brien was overcome with emotion, and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked: "Aye, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, Patrick, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

[Krandall]

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."

[Krandall]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happens by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asks for help and the farmer hitches Benny to the man's bumper.

Then he yells: "Pull, Nellie, pull."

Benny doesn't move.

Then he yells: "Come on, pull Ranger."

Still, Benny doesn't move.

Then he yells really loudly: "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."

Again, Benny just stands there.

Then the farmer nonchalantly says: "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny proceeds to pull the car out of the ditch.

The man is very appreciative but curious. He asks the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer says: "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

[Krandall]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.

Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress: "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back into the kitchen and to his chagrin, he sees the cook taking a meat patty and flattening it under his arm pit.

"That's disgusting!" he says.

Then the waitress says: "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[Krandall]

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked: "Um, er, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said: "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous: "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief: "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man: "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker: "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Krandall]

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand: "But we do need to know how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered: "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters -- they are married to GERD."

"Wonderful," said Smith: "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Krandall]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[Krandall]

A beautiful woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies: "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says: "You're getting herpes -- which is what I came here about in the first place."

[Lady4Fiddy]

[dick-84]

Lmfao!