Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A guy was pulled over by the police one day because his car didn't have any hubcaps on the tires.

"What's the charge, officer?" asked the guy.

"Indecent exposure," the cop replied.

"Indecent exposure?" exclaimed the guy.

"Yes!" the cop responded: "You can't just ride around with your nuts showing!"

[Magz]

A Sensitive Husband...

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

[Magz]

A Texas DPS Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

"Not a damn thing.

[NaturalRaptor]

A Texas DPS Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

"Not a damn thing.

Loving it!!!!

[Magz]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.


The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

[Peelz]

genius

[NaturalRaptor]

Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.



The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama again.

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

A first-grade teacher named Ms. Brooks was having trouble with a student named Harry. "What's your problem?" she asked the disruptive young lad.

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

"What is 3 x 3?" the principal asked.

"9," Harry replied.

"What is 6 x 6?" the principal asked.

"36," Harry responded.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

Ms. Brooks wasn't so sure and said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry thought for a moment and replied, "Legs."

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Ms. Brooks asked.

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

"Pockets," Harry replied.

"What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Ms. Brooks queried.

"Pants," Harry responded.

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Ms. Brooks asked.

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Ms. Brooks asked.

"Shake hands," Harry answered.

The principal was trembling.

"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Ms. Brooks asked.

"Firetruck," Harry replied.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[Krandall]

Q. How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?

A. It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

[Krandall]

Donald went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I've got trouble," he said. "Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. So I get under the bed, but then I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... it goes on all night. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?" Donald asked.

"A hundred dollars per visit," the psychiatrist replied.

"I'll sleep on it," said Donald.

Six months later the psychiatrist ran into Donald at a restaurant. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" he asked.

"For a hundred buck's a visit?" scoffed Donald. "A bartender cured me for ten bucks."

"How?" the psychiatrist inquired.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[Krandall]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. The mutt has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde finally jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!" and goes downstairs.

Ten minutes later the blonde returns to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The blonde says: "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!"

[Krandall]

Three couples are trying to get into the local church. One of the requirements is to abstain from sex for one month.

After a month, the three couples come back to report on their progress. The first couple says they didn't have sex, so the pastor welcomes them to the church gladly.

The next couple says they didn't have sex, but it was very difficult so the husband had to sleep on the couch for the last week. They are also allowed into the church.

Then the pastor turns to the third couple: "Have you remained chaste for the last month?" he asks.

"We tried but failed," the husband sheepishly admits. "She dropped a can of paint the other day and when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we did it right there."

"Well I am sorry, my son, but you and your wife cannot be permitted to join the church," says the pastor.

"We understand," the husband says. "We aren't allowed in the Home Depot anymore either."

[Magz]

been there done that 

[Spartan]

And Franky was never allowed at wal-mart again either...