Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them


 

[Colorado700R]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
   
   Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under
   the knife or had those pellets implanted
   
   The waiting room was filled with patients.
   
   As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist
   was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her
   my name.
   
   In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
   
   All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
   me......a now very embarrassed man.
   
   But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "
   NO!"
   
   "I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T
   
   WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
   
   The room erupted in applause!

[Spartan]

something you want to tell us, aaron?

[Krandall]

Three little ducks go into a bar.

"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey," he replies.

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.

"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.

"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"

The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

[Krandall]

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

[disco]

  

[Spartan]

The 100 MPH Goat
 
Two northern Idaho hunters are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
 
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
 
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
 
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
 
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.
 
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
 
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were jus standin' here a minute ago and a goat come runnin' out of them thar bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
 
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Krandall]

One day, an old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of lunch.

The old German shepherd thinks: "Oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German shepherd exclaims loudly: "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther. "That was close! That old German shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says: "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks: "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old German shepherd says: "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story: Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery, and B.S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Oilfield_Mafia]

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's
decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
 
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.  However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
 
  At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[Spartan]

THIS  WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF  2010

For his birthday, little Johnny  asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His  father said, 'Son, we'd  give you one, but the mortgage  on this house is $280,000 and your  mother just lost her job. There's no way we can  afford it.' The next day  the father saw little Johnny  heading out  the front door with a suitcase. So he   asked,  'Son, where are you going?' Little Johnny told him; 'I  was walking past your room last night and  heard you telling mom you were  pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she  was coming too. And I'll be damned  if I'm staying here by  myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Fucking  bike!
 

[disco]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The pilot replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

[txredxj]

lol happy hour ftw!

[Krandall]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or you are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?" the man asked.

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied. "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary," the man replied.

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Krandall]

Jen’s friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.

“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it,” says Jen.

The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.

“How did it go, then?” asks Jen.

“Wonderfully!” beams Amy. “Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea.”

[Magz]

I just want to know if this is true


Three friends married women from different parts of the US .

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from North Carolina . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Jersey . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.