Post some good jokes here!!!!

[dragonz]

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Apparently a 35 stone inmate in Texas was charged after jail officials learned that he had a gun hidden in his rolls of fat.
The inmate will be executed by treadmill.
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'am a schozophrenic,
and so am i.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got Alzheimers,
who the FERK are you?

[Krandall]

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'am a schozophrenic,
and so am i.     

[Krandall]

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterward, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.


"The good news," he explained: "is that your wife has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."


The guy paled: "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" he asked.


"Well," the doctor elaborated: "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

[Krandall]

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his pal what happened.


"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough, there was the ball. I called out to the lady: "Ma'am, does this look like yours?" And then she hit me in the neck with her driver!"

[Krandall]

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT."


After thinking for a minute, she said to herself, "oh well," and turned around and drove home.


On her way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."


By the time she had driven eight miles, she had cleaned 43 toilets.

[Krandall]

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.


"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there."


The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "GERD, I sure would like to have a little pussy."


"I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

[Krandall]

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, the driver was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Union Station," answered the woman.


"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.


The woman caught him staring at her and asked: "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"


"Well, ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare," the driver replied.


The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said: "Does this answer your question?"


Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[Krandall]

A pair of women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.


"I need to be honest with you," the first woman said, "I'm getting a boob job."


"Oh that's nothing," the second woman said: "I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"


"Wow," the first woman replied: "I just can't picture your husband as a blond!"

[disco]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Krandall]

Two men are playing tennis when one of the men falls and hits his elbow on the court. He tells his partner that he has to stop playing to visit his doctor.


"Don't waste any money on a doctor," the other man says, "just go inside the store at the corner, put $10 in the machine in the back, piss in the cup and let it do its thing. A slip of paper will come out telling you what you have."


So he goes to the store, puts $10 in the machine, pisses in the cup and a piece of paper comes out proclaiming: "You have tennis elbow. take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow three to four times daily."


The man is so amazed that he goes home and collects his sister's urine, his brother's urine and his dog's urine and puts it into a single cup. Then, just for good measure, he includes a personal semen sample in the cup as well.


Once he's done, the man goes back to the store, inserts $10 and places the cup in the machine. After a moment, the paper comes out and says: "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow."

[Krandall]

And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.


"No, thank you," the gentleman replied: "That will be all."


As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.


"Yeah! That's a good idea!" the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

[Temptation]

Rob was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them
he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let
him go.


After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
4X4 friends Rob left to go back home to his wife.

When Rob's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week
who should be there but Rob sitting up in front of his truck, tent up ,
fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Rob?"

"I didn't have to" was Rob's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, surprise!!

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
bed and you can do whatever you want."

So Here I am!

[Krandall]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.


Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen." 

[Krandall]

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors' boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.


"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.


"Sexuality my ass!" the mother yelled: "He took out her appendix!"

[Krandall]

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires: "Are you looking at my pussy?"


"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.


"It's OK," replies the woman: "It's very talented -- watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."


Sure enough, it blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else it can do.


"I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.


"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked: "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"


Stunned, the man replies: "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"