Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says: "GERD must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "GERD is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "GERD has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

[Colorado700R]

[Krandall]

A woman visits a holistic doctor and asks him to cure her migraines. He tells her: "When you get a headache, repeat out loud, 'I don't have a headache,' over and over." She tries this, and it works.

The next day the woman has her husband see the same doctor to treat his impotence. He comes home from the appointment and drags his wife to the bedroom, then jumps on top of her and says: "You are not my wife, you are not my wife…"

[Colorado700R]

Iowa version: "you're my sister, you're my sister"

[Spartan]

Wrong Approach
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

[Spartan]

PREGNANT AT 71


A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."
Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,




 
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Krandall]

Three middle-aged ladies were sitting around the porch one day bragging about their husband's sex drive when one decided that they should compare their lovers to types of soft drinks.

The first lady began: "My husband is like a 7-Up. He's got seven inches and it's always up!"

The second replied: "My man is like a Mountain Dew. When he mounts me he always knows what to do!"

After a moment the third woman says: "My man is like a Jack Daniels."

"That's not a soft drink," one woman exclaims. "That's a hard liquor!"

Without hesitation the lady shouts: "That's my Leroy!"


 

[Krandall]

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her: "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asks.

"No," he says. "But it kept me from finishing too fast."

[Magz]

A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery, and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

The minister was not familiar with the area and became lost. He finally found the cemetery about an hour later. The back hoe was there, and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

He apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

He was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelations.

When the service was over, he said a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic systems for 20 years."
 

[Krandall]

[Krandall]

A woman walked into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said: "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said: "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

The woman replied: "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[Krandall]

A bird was flying south for winter, but he had left too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was having a crap, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realized the excrement was actually thawing him out!

He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. At that very same moment a cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend

3. If you are in sh*t, keep your mouth shut

[Magz]

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant. Thats a mirror."

[Krandall]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends: "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic man chirps: "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic gent says: "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence.’"

The fourth Catholic man then says: "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness.'"

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle: "Well...?"

She proudly replies: "I have a daughter. She's slim, tall and has 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone stops what they're doing and says, "Oh My GERD!"

[Hefe]

Wrong Approach
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

perfect!