Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour,  whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie  explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man  took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

[Krandall]

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."\

[Busby]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an
'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes
to tatters and took me then and there passionately on
the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the
sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25
years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able
to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[Busby]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of
Beauty it was but useless in a fight."


**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, GERD no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "

I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."



************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either

[Busby]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity   
 
 
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.   
See If They Slow Down.



2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !

3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,  ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.   Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' ForMarijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.   Sing Along At The Opera.

10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11.   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14.    PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.




Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile....

It's Called
... THERAPY

[Lady4Fiddy]

That last one is very funny busby, I will have to try a few of those.   

[Krandall]

A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

[Colorado700R]

Sign above Flynbyu's desk....


"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

[disco]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me ?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Flynbyu]

Two hookers are standing on the curb and one says "It's going to be a good night, I can smell the dick in the air."

The other hooker looked over and said "Don't get too excited, I burped."

~Brian

[Flynbyu]

 Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in  Jacksonville calls his son in  San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls  Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing.  DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay.' he says, 'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

~Brian

[Krandall]

I about died reading this! 

This one's for the nerds.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers

[Peelz]

I about died reading this! 

This one's for the nerds.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers

that's pretty good.

[Peelz]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Peelz]

Do you ever wonder what a paranoid, agnostic, dyslexic person does?

Stays up all night freaked out, wondering if there really is a dog.