Post some good jokes here!!!!

[BRAD]

good one AJ. its good to see you online again

[NaturalRaptor]

A man met a beautiful lady at the Menger in San Antonio and decided he wanted to marry her right away.  She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married. 

Then, off they went for their honeymoon to the beautiful resort of Acapulco. One morning, they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel. He climbed up to the 10 meter diving board. He proceeded to do a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more such demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So then she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy -five lengths, she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'Now -- that was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Nuevo Laredo

-- but I worked both sides of the Rio Grande!'

[BRAD]

good one Natural

[Peelz]

   great punchline

[Peelz]

reminded me of an old one Natural.

A man comes back to work from his honeymoon, he'd been gone for two weeks.

Coworker asks "did you f$%k her?"

he says "No, she had gonnorhea, and you know how I like to fish"

Another worker asks "did she give you head?"

"no she had a canker sore, and you know how I like to fish."

Another asks "did ya eat her pu$$y?"

he replies "nah, she had herpes, and you know how I like to fish"

confused the first coworker asks "what the hell did you marry her for"

"well" he said "SHe had worms, and you know how I like to fish!" 

[dragonz]

Hutt Girls
________________________________________
Q. Two Hutt girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Hutt girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Hutt girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Hutt girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Hutt girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during a Hutt quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Hutt kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between a Hutt boy and a Hutt girl?
A. A Hutt girl has a higher sperm count.

[AJ RAPTOR]

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:


(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.


3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square
on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws

[NaturalRaptor]

Blond jokes:

How are a blond and screen door alike?

The harder you slam it the looser it gets!   



Why can't a blond get a drivers license?

Every time she stops the car she gets in the back seat!   

[BRAD]

natural i about spit my water out on them two

[NaturalRaptor]

Thanks, I love the one liners! 

[darkside94]

believe it or not this just popped into my head
Hitting a lawyer - 20yrs in jail and 50 million dollars
Hitting a child - 10 yrs in jail and endless grief
hitting a black man - 5 yrs in jail and a bunch of ass whoopins in jail
Hitting a homeless - priceless

[kyledvor61]

believe it or not this just popped into my head
Hitting a lawyer - 20yrs in jail and 50 million dollars
Hitting a child - 10 yrs in jail and endless grief
hitting a black man - 5 yrs in jail and a bunch of ass whoopins in jail
Hitting a homeless - priceless

thats so wrong yet so funny


also might wanna add..

Hitting a 17 year old will get you 20

[Peelz]

Little boy and his mom were sitting on a plane when the little boy looked at his mom and asked: "Mommy, if cows have baby cows and pigs have baby pigs, do planes have baby planes?"
 
The mom replied, "I don't know, why don't you go ask the stewardess."
 
So the little boy walks up the stewardess, who was very busy and asked, "Excuse me, if cows have baby cows and pigs have baby pigs, do planes have baby planes?"
 
The stewardess smiles and says, "Did your mommy tell you to come and ask me that?"
 
The little boy replies, "Yes."
 
With that, the stewardess says, "The answer is no because southwest always pulls out in time.  Now go back and have your mommy explain that to you."

[BRAD]

good one peels

[kyledvor61]