Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long birfurcated tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

[Magz]

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.


The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that sucker on the phone! I'm lost and need directions!"

[Magz]

The Best Pub in the World

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.


"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Magz]

I recently asked my friends little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be the President of the United States. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there smiling. So I asked her. If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do? She replied, I would give food and houses to all the homeless people. Her parents beamed with approval.

Wow, that would be a worthy goal. I told her. But you don't have to wait until you are President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep the driveway and I will pay you $50. Then I will take you down to the corner where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $50 towards food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few moments and finally said, Why don't you just have the homeless guy come over and do the work and pay him the $50? I said, Welcome to the Republican Party.

Her parents are still not speaking to me.

[Krandall]

Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both with black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says,
"So, how'd you get the black eye?"
The other guy responds, "Well, it was a freudian slip."
"What's that?" the first asks
"It's when you mean to say one thing but say another that exposes what you thought." answers the second
Then the first guys waits a second and asks, "Oh. So what happened?"
"Well, i was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the desk had the biggest boobs i'd ever seen. So, when i meant to say 'two tickets to pittsburgh', i accidentally said 'two pickets to tittsburgh', hence the black eye."
And so the first guy responds. "You know, that's weird, something very similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and i meant to say 'could you pass the jam', but i accidentally said, you ruined my life you stupid bitch!!!

[Peelz]

Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both with black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says,
"So, how'd you get the black eye?"
The other guy responds, "Well, it was a freudian slip."
"What's that?" the first asks
"It's when you mean to say one thing but say another that exposes what you thought." answers the second
Then the first guys waits a second and asks, "Oh. So what happened?"
"Well, i was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the desk had the biggest boobs i'd ever seen. So, when i meant to say 'two tickets to pittsburgh', i accidentally said 'two pickets to tittsburgh', hence the black eye."
And so the first guy responds. "You know, that's weird, something very similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and i meant to say 'could you pass the jam', but i accidentally said, you ruined my life you stupid bitch!!!

[Magz]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

[Krandall]

along with Calvin and Hobbes. Pearls Before Swine is another one of my favorite comic strips



so true 

[Magz]

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, "No baby talk!"


You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.

So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.

"We went to visit my Nana," he said.

"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.

"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.

"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the Shit!"

[dragonz]

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

[Krandall]

[Gunz]

 

[Krandall]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class .
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.
Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets ! "

[Krandall]

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Peelz]

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.