Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

[Krandall]

may have been posted already.. I still lol'd

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

[Krandall]

I don't how many of you shop at Walmart, but this may be useful to know.
I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags in the trunk. They both start wiping your windows with a rag and Windex, with their ample breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they strip naked and start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one cleverly steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most probably tonight.
Just thought you should know.

[Magz]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon
when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon
I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it different. The last few years
I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went
to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

"Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Earlene got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this
year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."

[Krandall]

[–]Beorpegu 64 points 14 hours ago (78|16)
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you Sister, but I don't want to offend you."
"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."
"Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic."
The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm actually married and also I'm Jewish."
"That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

[Krandall]

I literally LOL'd


Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

[Peelz]

 

[Magz]

Good one krandy..........lol

[Krandall]

A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors.
Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.
A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kids'.
Impressed she then went up another level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids and has a romantic streak', she liked the sound of that, but proceeded to the next level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic and good looking'.
She was really impressed now but went on to the fifth floor where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic, absolutely gorgeous, and enjoys helping around the home'.
Now this lady was very impressed with that, but still she went on up to the sixth floor, and there on the sixth floor was a solitary sign which read...
You are the 3,00,450,701 woman to visit this floor, this demonstrates how women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband store. Have a nice day.
Directly across the road from the Husbands store was another department store that sold Wives. And, similar to the Husbands store, this store had 6 floors where you could purchase a Wife on any level, but if you went up a floor you couldn't go back down and had to exit.
So, a bloke walks into the store and on the first floor reads the following sign: "Women who like sex".
Impressed the guy goes up to the second floor where he meets a similar sign, but this one reads: "Women who like sex and are good looking."
No man has ever gone to the third floor.

[Hefe]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
A 79-year-old man was  requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as  part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave  the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a  semen sample tomorrow.' 
The  next day the 79-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.   
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's  like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. 
'Then I asked my wife for help. She  tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door 
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried  squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your  neighbour?'
The old  man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get  the jar  open.'

[Krandall]

 


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were GERD and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of GERD. "I am GERD, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"







A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

[Krandall]

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

[Magz]

I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

? Vitamin E 3%
? Aspirin 2%
? Ibuprofen 2%
? Vitamin C 1%
? Spray Starch 5%
? Fix-A-Flat 87%

[Magz]

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

[Peelz]

"can she carry a golf bag?"