Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Colorado700R]

For the record, I'm not racist. I just proactively search for material in support of Peels' hate.

[dragonz]

ERMAHGERD ...
who got the facial?

Jealous much?

PM GrandMasterSexy, I'm sure he can help you out!

[Krandall]

Rose walks up to her mom one day and asks, "Mommy, why was I named rose?"
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
Next, Violet walks up to her mom and asks the same question.
Her mom replies, "when you were born, a violet fell from the sky and landed on your head."
Violet skipped away happily.
The mother's third daughter walks up and says, "AAAEWWWWAAAGGHHHHERYYYYYRRHHFFGHHH".
"Shut up, Cinderblock."



I lol'd

[Peelz]

Rose walks up to her mom one day and asks, "Mommy, why was I named rose?"
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
Next, Violet walks up to her mom and asks the same question.
Her mom replies, "when you were born, a violet fell from the sky and landed on your head."
Violet skipped away happily.
The mother's third daughter walks up and says, "AAAEWWWWAAAGGHHHHERYYYYYRRHHFFGHHH".
"Shut up, Cinderblock."



I lol'd

[Colorado700R]

[Krandall]

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

[Krandall]

annnnd

one more for good measure..



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

[Magz]

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

something I would do, depending on the chicks' hotness (or goat or whatever)

[Peelz]

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

 

[Peelz]

got this in an email...


it screams raptorsource.   



HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


GERD went to the Arabs and said,   'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'


The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'  And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'


'Can you give us an example?'


'Thou shall not kill.'


'Not kill? We're not interested..'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'


The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honour thy Father and Mother.'


'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

'I have Commandments.'


The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'


'Not steal? We're not interested.'


Then He went to the French and said,

'I have Commandments.'


The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'


'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

'I have Commandments..'


'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'


'They're free.'


'We'll take 10.'


There. That, should piss off just about everybody... 

[Magz]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America
and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for
a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load
of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told
them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your
proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people
who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow
stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

[Peelz]

 

[Krandall]

Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wifes already at the hospital! He hightails it from work gets there as fast as he can, and paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you mr Smith?" "Yes yes whats the news?" "you need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY.
Mike gives a puzzled look and follows him into the nursery ward. The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly back on the crib. "Hmm weird, he just did it a second ago" So the doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud. By now Mike is furious.
"NO IM SERIOUS HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO SEE LOOK" And with that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield.
Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the everliving shit out of the doctor he says, "Nah man im just messin with ya. It was a stillborn"

[Peelz]

Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wifes already at the hospital! He hightails it from work gets there as fast as he can, and paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you mr Smith?" "Yes yes whats the news?" "you need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY.
Mike gives a puzzled look and follows him into the nursery ward. The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly back on the crib. "Hmm weird, he just did it a second ago" So the doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud. By now Mike is furious.
"NO IM SERIOUS HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO SEE LOOK" And with that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield.
Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the everliving shit out of the doctor he says, "Nah man im just messin with ya. It was a stillborn"

Oh my....this one is near crossing the line for me....being a dad and all. well done sir  

[Geo]

wow just wow