Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Hefe]

[Hefe]

>>     Face Lift>>

>>     A woman  decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.>>

>>     She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.>>

>>     On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
>>
>>     Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't minds my asking, but how old do you think I am.

>>     'About 32,' is the reply.'

>>     'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

>>     A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

>>     Thel replies 'I'd guess about 29.'

>>     The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

>>
>>     Now she's feeling really good about herself.

>>     She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

>>     She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

>>     The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

>>     Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

>>

>>     While waiting for the bus to go home,  she asks an old man  waiting next to her the same question.

>>     He replies,'Lady,  I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.   Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way  to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward.  but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

>>
They wait in silence on the empty street untilher curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

  He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel  around very slowly and carefully.

  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches  each nipple.

  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

  After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How  old am I?'

  He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam you are 50.'

  Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell?'

  The old man  says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

   'I promise I won't',  she says.

     'I was behind you at McDonalds.

[Lady4Fiddy]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him Looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... ? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'

[Krandall]

A young woman is on the Brooklyn Bridge, about to commit suicide. A sailor sees her as she is about to jump and shouts: "Wait! Don't do it! I'm leaving on a ship to Europe. I'll sneak you on board so that you can come with me and start all over!"

"OK, I guess so," the woman says.

So he sneaks her on board and stows her away. Every night he brings her food and they have sex all night long. This goes on for three weeks.

One day, the captain stumbles across her in her hiding place. "What are you doing on board?" he demands.

"Well, I have an agreement with one of your crewmen," she explains. "He is taking me to Europe. Every night he brings me food and then we screw."

"You certainly are being screwed," said the captain. "this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

[dragonz]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a Brothel

and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided

she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up

in her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,


"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended

but then began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Randy

came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hello, Randy!"

[Krandall]

[Magz]

A Police STOP at 2 AM :
An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[rookie]

A Police STOP at 2 AM :
An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Krandall]

Why its great to be a man.

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

5. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

7. The world is your urinal.

8. Wrinkles add character.

9. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

10. One mood, all the time.

[Peelz]

8. Wrinkles add character.


Then I will be one interesting fellow

[dragonz]

Why its great to be me.

1. My ass is never alone at a raptor rally.

Corrected for content

[Krandall]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" she asked.

"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[Krandall]

TOP TEN MESSAGES YOU WOULD LIKE US TO PASS ON TO YOUR BOSS
(In No Particular Order#)



1. What's the difference between work and your daughter? I'm not coming into work today.

2. I know cancer is a seriously scary thing and it sucks to hear you have it, but, you know what? That's Karma bitch!

3. Merger my ass. Tell the Dutch to shove it.

4. Hey Tim, you can only be an ass or incompetent. Stop hogging both.

5. Yes sir, I would agree I've been slacking lately, but you're food isn't going to pee itself.

6. I wish you were more like Steve Jobs.

7. Learn to read a map a-hole! Maple Grove is no where NEAR Hastings!! Figure it out dumbass.

8. Remember when you confided in me that your 18-year-old daughter had an abortion last month. I already knew. #wink, wink)

9. Thanks for making me the only person not to even get a performance review this year. But I guess you would have to acknowledge my existence for that.

10. It's Columbus Day a-hole. He discovered the New World. We deserve the day off!! Sorry I raised my voice dad, see you at home.

[Hefe]

10. It's Columbus Day a-hole. He discovered the New World. We deserve the day off!! Sorry I raised my voice dad, see you at home.

Funyun?

[Peelz]

columbus was a douche. a dirty sailor who accidentally found this shithole

in his honor, im going in all your houses, and claiming them as my own