Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Langford]

ok, and one of my all time favorites....its a little long, but well worth the read:

Texas Chili Cook Off

 
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?

[exentix]

ERMAHGERD!! i almost crapped my pants reading that thing, thats the funniest thing ive heard in a while

[Peelz]

A little boy walks in on his mom in the shower. he says "what's that black thing between your legs?" "WHy it's my little black sponge, honey" "ok, mom" So he goes back outside to play. He comes back in later and asks "mom, can I use your sponge to wash my skateboard?" "I lost it" she says. "Aww, shoot", he says. So, he goes back out to play. He comes back in yelling: "mommy, mommy I found your Little black sponge, Johnny's mom is using it next door to wash Daddy's face!"

[exentix]

oh boy! 

[socalrappy700]

 

[who else but rk]

 

[Peelz]

did you guys see this one?


got a good one here:  (if it is offensive I'll remove it) insert favorite forum members names

RR34 and Kyledvor were riding their yfz's in the Cali desert, then they got lost, and ran out of gas. So, they left their quads and walked for a few hours until they came upon a Railroad track. So they figured "let's each go one way and one of us has to eventually find a town" so, they split ways. Kyledvor, after walking  all night, finally finds a town and catches a ride to go back for RR34. They finally find him... in good spirits, still walking. He says "you'll never believe what happened, I met this gorgeous woman, and we had sex all night." "Really", says kyledvor, "what did you do"? "man, we did everything", replies RR34. "well, did you have oral sex?" asks kyledvor. RR34 says: "well, no, I never did find her head"

RR's recent "adventures" made him the perfect candidate for this one.  That, and they ride yfz's.

[Colorado700R]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1piuJzS7H-4

[Colorado700R]

Gentleman,

I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments.  Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.

There will not be another warning.

Aaron

[Langford]

Gentleman,

I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments.  Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.

There will not be another warning.

Aaron

I apologize, I knew my jokes were a little edgy, but I didnt mean any harm by them.  Sorry of I offended anybody.

[Flynbyu]

Please guys, keep the racial jokes out. I'm all for a laugh, but when potential members see these threads, and it contains questionable material, they are less likely to join our community.

There are areas here that are less moderated, but use your best judgement in those areas.

Thanks again.



~Brian

[Colorado700R]

Gentleman,

I removed a few jokes from this thread do to Racial comments.  Please refer to our rules (http://www.raptorsource.com/forum/index.php?topic=2.0) if you have any question about our stance about this.

There will not be another warning.

Aaron

I apologize, I knew my jokes were a little edgy, but I didnt mean any harm by them.  Sorry of I offended anybody.

I didn't think anyone posted them to be harmful.

  But we must respect all.

Aaron

[AJ RAPTOR]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**




**"Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**



**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**



**After a brief pause,**



**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**




**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**



Brief Pause.




**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**




**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**



**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**



**'I did it, Daddy.'**



**'And what happened, honey?' **




'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**




**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**



**'Oh my GERD!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**




**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**



**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**






*****Long Pause*****






*****Longer Pause*****






*****Even Longer Pause*****








**Then Daddy says,**





**'Swimming pool?  ...........**





**Is this 486-5731?'*






**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

[Colorado700R]

 

[Peelz]

  good one AJ.