Post some good jokes here!!!!

[preddy08]

So a priate walks into a bar with a huge steering wheel atached to his pants. Talking to the bartender like nothing is wrong. Finally the bartender says "alright buddy I've been wondering, whats with the steering wheel in your pants".



the Pirate replys in my best prirate's vioce), "ARRRG, Their drive'in me nuts"

[Peelz]

  can't go wrong with a joke that starts with "pirate walks into a bar"

[preddy08]

can't go wrong with a joke that starts with "pirate walks into a bar"

Ive gotten a lot of milage out of that joke

[preddy08]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, afterhaving a bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him.  He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, Godgives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky.  What do you think?"

Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Mmm ... Tonto think someone stole tent."

[Headrope]

Q: What did the squirrel say after falling out of the tree?
A: Nuts.

Q: Two pirates walk into a bar.
A: The third one ducked.

... and the breathalyser

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a bicycle?
A: A telephone pole because a bicycle doesn't have any doors.
    Followed by "Don't you get it?" (If they get the joke, you get the keys).

[Peelz]

heres some crap I got in an email, not really jokes but somewhat funy.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'       

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!   I don't think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'

From  Kingman ,  KS




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce..' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. 

From  Kansas City   



IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied , 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in  Birmingham ,  Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in  Wichita ,  KS






IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in -the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas Instruments.

   



IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on

A deputy with the  Dallas  County Sheriffs office, no less.


   



IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer ship to pick up our car, w e were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctivel y tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in  Canton ,  Mississippi




STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they  REPRODUCE.  And I think some of them are running the country.

[exentix]

a lady just discovered she was pregnant with three babies (2 girls and 1 boy) so she goes out to celebrate...

when she arrives at the bar, a man walks in and fires three rounds into her stomach...

she goes to the doctor and wants to know if the babies will be ok

the doc assures her everything will be ok

a few years down the line, the children are in bed when the mother is awakened

girl 1: mommy mommy! i peed the bed and a bullet came out!

the mother explains the story and sends her back to bed

girl 2: mommy mommy! i peed the bed and a bullet came out!

the mother once again explains the story and sends her child back to bed

boy: mommy mommy!...

lemme guess, you peed the bed and a bullet came out?!

boy: no, i was jacking off  and i shot the dog! 

[BRAD]

good one essentix.


Q: whats the diffference between a Blonde and a Doorknob?






A: Nothing everybody gets a turn

[Colorado700R]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if  she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and  thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did  you'?

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

[Peelz]

you freaks are making my morning much better. between this joke and rk photochopping, I am in a great mood. :grin_nod:

[socalrappy700]

you freaks are making my morning much better. between this joke and rk photochopping, I am in a great mood. :grin_nod:

Same here, and I thought the day wasn't going to go to well.  Thanks guys.   

[Peelz]

might wanna erase that one Alex. Funny as shit, but disgusting. I'm not sure what to say.....

[who else but rk]

that was a little too fucked up man

[socalrappy700]

That one had to go.

[ThisGuyAlex]

name 2 things that are white, plastic, and dangerous to children.......


grocery bags and michael jackson