Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Peelz]

current events joke:

An old man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates. He watches St Peter let some people in and send some others over to Satan. Then, he watches satan send them to the fire. But some of them he watched Satan set off to the side. He kept watching for awhile.  Finally, he got up the nerve and asked Satan,  "why do you set those people off to the side, while sending others to hell?"
satan smiles and says "those guys are from IOWA, way too wet to burn!" priceless..

[Colorado700R]

 

[Peelz]

another:

A young lady went to go visit her grandmother, 75 yrs old. As her grandfather, 76, had recently died. She asked her grandmother about how it had happened. She said "it is strange, we just did what we did every Sunday for the last 50 years!" The grandaughter  asked " oh yeah. what is that?" grandmother replied "had sex to the sound of the church bells" the granddaughter was dumbfounded. "grandman said "it was great, we go in with a "ding" and out with a "dong". The young lady was grossed out she said "hmm, wonder what was different?", granddma continued "the GERD damned son of a bitchin' Ice cream truck went down the street!"

[Scott011422]

If you don't like it, please take it down. If not, I have a better one at home..........


All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied.

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall ..1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my @ss cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my GERD," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh GERD..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[Peelz]

  

"shameful shitter"   

[kyledvor61]

did you guys see this one?


got a good one here:  (if it is offensive I'll remove it) insert favorite forum members names

RR34 and Kyledvor were riding their yfz's in the Cali desert, then they got lost, and ran out of gas. So, they left their quads and walked for a few hours until they came upon a Railroad track. So they figured "let's each go one way and one of us has to eventually find a town" so, they split ways. Kyledvor, after walking  all night, finally finds a town and catches a ride to go back for RR34. They finally find him... in good spirits, still walking. He says "you'll never believe what happened, I met this gorgeous woman, and we had sex all night." "Really", says kyledvor, "what did you do"? "man, we did everything", replies RR34. "well, did you have oral sex?" asks kyledvor. RR34 says: "well, no, I never did find her head"

RR's recent "adventures" made him the perfect candidate for this one.  That, and they ride yfz's.

[P.I.M.P.]

How is a womans asshole and a 9 volt battery alike?


You know it's wrong, but you're still gonna put your tongue on it.

[dick-84]

How is a womans asshole and a 9 volt battery alike?


You know it's wrong, but you're still gonna put your tongue on it.

That is some funny shit!

[disco]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you've been with a woman?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to spend some time with him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[dick-84]

That is great! 

[exentix]

very nice   

[Krandall]

How is a womans asshole and a 9 volt battery alike?


You know it's wrong, but you're still gonna put your tongue on it.

[Colorado700R]

The  Aisle Seat...

Two Radical Arab Terrorists  boarded a flight out of  London .    One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.


Just before takeoff, a U.S.  Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the  window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the  Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for  you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with  the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like  one,too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in  it. 

When the Marine returned, they  all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and  pissing in cokes?' 



THE  FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

[Peelz]

 

[kyledvor61]