Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Colorado700R]

A man walks up to a hot chick in a bar and asks "Do you want to have magic sex?"

The woman is shocked, but humored she asks "What is magic sex?"



The man confidently leans over and whispers in her ear..


"That's when we go FERK, then you disappear!" 

[Peelz]

A man walks up to a hot chick in a bar and asks "Do you want to have magic sex?"

The woman is shocked, but humored she asks "What is magic sex?"



The man confidently leans over and whispers in her ear..


"That's when we go F ck, then you disappear!" 

I'm dying over here!

[Peelz]

here's a good one.

The next time you are hanging out with some friends and one gets annoying and won't shut up: (if you smoke)

Ask them "wanna see a magic trick?" then, when they say "sure":

flick your cigarette ashes on their head and say "POOF, you're an ashtray!"

love that gag. I quit smoking 5 yrs ago and had forgotten that one. Cigar ashes would be even worse, though......

[Colorado700R]

here's a good one.

The next time you are hanging out with some friends and one gets annoying and won't shut up: (if you smoke)

Ask them "wanna see a magic trick?" then, when they say "sure":

flick your cigarette ashes on their head and say "POOF, you're an ashtray!"

love that gag. I quit smoking 5 yrs ago and had forgotten that one. Cigar ashes would be even worse, though......

You better hope you're bigger, or atleast can run faster to whoever you decide to do that to 

[Colorado700R]

A little girl walks past her momma's bedroom door and hears some noises.  She stops and peaks through the keyhole. 


Visably upset she shouts "That bitch!!!!.....and she gets upset becuase I suck my thumb!!!"

:grin_nod:

[Peelz]

A little girl walks past her momma's bedroom door and hears some noises.  She stops and peaks through the keyhole. 


Visably upset she shouts "That bitch!!!!.....and she gets upset becuase I suck my thumb!!!"

:grin_nod:

  2 for 2. rollin on da floor!

Oh and I forget to mention: use careful discretions when performing that stunt, lest you anger a gentleman larger than yourself.... :grin_nod:

[darkside94]

This is not mine but THE FUNNIEST EVER

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''GERD Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Chris!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[darkside94]

Goodnight people. I'll have more tomorrow

[pj4553]

Ok so a guy from out of town walks into a bar.

He chillin there and starts talking to this dude that was already there drinkin.

After a few beers the dude tells the out of towner "if you go up to the 10th story of this building and jump out, you'll just float down safely and you can walk back into the bar unharmed."

The out of towner is like "no way man!"

"Ok" says the dude "I'll show you"

So they head up to the 10th floor and the dude jumps out the window. He floats down safely and meets the out of towner back up stairs.

"That was awesome" says the out of towner "I'll give it a shot!"

He jumps out the window and SPLAT!! He's killed instantly from the fall

The dude laughs and heads back down to the bar. The bartender says "You know SUPERMAN, you can be a real asshole sometimes!"

[Peelz]

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with GERD.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to GERD.

GERD recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson

motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

GERD commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise

and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'



GERD said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2. It chatters constantly at high speeds



3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much



4. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, y ou may have some good points there,' replied GERD, 'hold on.'

GERD went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and GERD read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' GERD said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Colorado700R]

Hallmark Cards that need to be made......


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

I've changed my mind.



-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

[Colorado700R]

Things you should never say to a woman after sex...

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the
underwear,...OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"



And my own personal favorite......."How did my babies taste?"

[Colorado700R]

A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"

The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.

The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.

When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!

"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

[Colorado700R]

Krandall walks into a bar near SIlverlake last year and asks the bartender for 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser. The bartender asks "whoa, buddy. What're we celebrating?" Krandall replies "I just had my first blow-job".

The bartender smiles and says " well, congratulations. Let me get you another shot on the house!"

Krandall replies "If 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser don't get the taste out of my mouth, NOTHING will".



Way to go Nick !   

[exentix]

Krandall walks into a bar near SIlverlake last year and asks the bartender for 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser. The bartender asks "whoa, buddy. What're we celebrating?" Krandall replies "I just had my first blow-job".

The bartender smiles and says " well, congratulations. Let me get you another shot on the house!"

Krandall replies "If 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser don't get the taste out of my mouth, NOTHING will".



Way to go Nick !   

i always knew there was something up with him