Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

Douglas Adams, of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” fame, gives an insight into Australia.
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight” proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can’t spell either!
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won’t go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
First, a short history:
Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots, every morning, for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz”, “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “GERD’s Own Country") and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.” The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our country, eh?” is “Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world! It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub”, to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:-
* “G’Day!”
* “She’ll be right mate.”
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

[Colorado700R]

too long, posts shouldn't need a cliff notes version

[Magz]

A Visiting tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f**~**g’ boat."

[Magz]

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without GERD makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Magz]

one poof passes another sitting at the bar and says

excuse me can I push your stool in

[Magz]

A church minister is booking into a Hotel and say's to the receptionist "I hope the Porn channel to my room is disabled"

She replys "no it's normal porn you sick FERK"

[Magz]

quiz :
are you a man or a woman?
not sure?
have a look further down to find out...
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not on the screen you idiot!!

[Peelz]

some of us may have trouble with this task.

such as Krandall, Preddy, Spartan, to name a few.

It's not as simple as just looking down. We may Need a second opinion from a geneticist.

 

[Krandall]

Paris Hilton decides to go back to school and is asked to take a multiple choice entrance exam. On the day of the test, she takes her seat in the exam hall, stares blankly at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out a coin and starts tossing it and marking her answer sheet.

She’s all done after half an hour, so she sits patiently and waits. With five minutes to go, she suddenly starts sweating and the moderator sees that she’s desperately throwing the coin, muttering and swearing. Concerned, the moderator walks over to her and says: “What’s the problem, Miss Hilton?”

“Well,” says Hilton: “I finished ages ago, but now I’m just rechecking my answers.”

[Magz]

[Magz]

Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tellif his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit herwith the shovel.

[Colorado700R]

[Busby]

How Fights Start.......


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

================



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My GERD!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

 
  love the last one

[Colorado700R]

[disco]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Sun City Arizona, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.  Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis & Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Anything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."