Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. When he takes a bite out of it, he notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress: "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his armpit.

"That's disgusting!" the man says.

"You think that's disgusting?” the waitress replies: “You should see him make doughnuts."

[Krandall]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says: "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says: "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues: "Next, I want a brand-new red Ferrari."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues: "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[Colorado700R]

wahh waah waaaaaah

[disco]

 A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Lady4Fiddy]

^ 

[disco]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies '"Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies "Aye that is true but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

[Krandall]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful. During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly and eventually ended up back in her bedroom.

At about 6:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone: "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8 p.m. Come back then and we can take up where we left off."

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief: "What? On my own time?"

[Krandall]

A man who worked for Lifesavers was testing a new Lifesaver flavor on a fifth-grade class. Using a bowl of Lifesavers, he gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them: "What is the flavor?"

The children were able to identify all of the common flavors easily until he gave them each a honey Lifesaver. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste.

"Well," he said: "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"



 

[Krandall]

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a stretch limo?

A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

[Magz]

A bear walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bear calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like a Jack..............................and coke."

The slightly confused bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

The bear says, "I was born with them!"

[Magz]

I recently joined a dating website...I was asked to describe my ideal date...
I said...I love page 3 girls, they're so sexy...
I didn't get any replies..
.then I realised that my "p" button was broke !!!!!

[Spartan]

I recently joined a dating website...I was asked to describe my ideal date...
I said...I love page 3 girls, they're so sexy...
I didn't get any replies..
.then I realised that my "p" button was broke !!!!!

[Krandall]

[Magz]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:





"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)





"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule ."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)






Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)





My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[Magz]

Did you hear about the gay rabbit ?

He found a hare up his arse .

**********

What do a Turtle and a Paedophile have in common ?


They both want to get there before the Hair does .