Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy. 


The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate, only to find the boy sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 


"I thought I told you to call your mother!" she said.


"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[Krandall]

10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday.
8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
7- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6- Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.  (peelz )
1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge

[Krandall]

Marketing 101


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

[NaturalRaptor]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.                   

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.                                 

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.                                         

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,                       

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.                                 

Could we please do it one more time?"                                             

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.                                 

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.                                   

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,                                           

"Honey, please... just one more time before I die."                               

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.               

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.                       

Morris, however, worried about his impending end, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.                                                   

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.                   

Do you think we could..."                                                         

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris,                           

I have to get up in the morning... you don't!"

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her apartment.


Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.


"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.


"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.


"Your boyfriend, then?"


"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.


"Well, who is he, then?", demands the bewildered fellow.


Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[Krandall]

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter:


"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"


So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying: "Why don't you learn to play this?"


Eventually, his tour of duty came to an end, and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said: "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"


She kissed him and said: "First let's see you play that harmonica."

[Peelz]

A blonde drops off her shirt at the cleaners.

The attendant says "come again"

The blonde says "no, it's toothpaste this time you nosy bitch"

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

A pair of poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterward, one of the poor kids says to the other: "Did you notice how small the rich kids' penises were?"


"Yeah," his friend says: "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."


============

Q: What's the definition of eternity?


A: Four blondes at a four-way stop


==================

[Krandall]

A jumbo-size freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said: "Hell yeah, get a load of this!" and with that, he knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.


The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied: "Hell yeah!" and he sprinted from end zone to end zone like lightning.


The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said: "But can you pass a football?"


The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said: "Hell yeah, if I can swallow it, I can pass it!"

[Krandall]

A husband and wife are lying in bed when the wife pulls out a silk scarf and starts rubbing it across her exposed breasts.


"Honey, what are you doing?" the husband inquires.


"I read somewhere that if you rub a silk scarf across your breasts it will make them grow," she replies.


"Why don't you try toilet paper?" the husband asks. "It sure worked on your ass!"

[Peelz]

    

[Colorado700R]

GERD asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?"
   
   Peyton thinks long and hard, looks GERD in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."
   
   GERD can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.
   
   Then GERD turns to Aaron Rodger's and says, "What do you believe?"
   
   Aaron says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose; I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."
   
   GERD is greatly moved by Aaron's sincere eloquence and he offers him a seat to his right.
   
   Finally, GERD turns to Brett Favre: "And you, Brett, what do you believe?"
   
   Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[Krandall]