Post some good jokes here!!!!

[shookie]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog For Sale ." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

[shookie]

> A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
> to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
>
> 'Bruce, do you have a story to share?'
>
> 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Cheryl.
>
> She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask
> of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
> She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
> her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
> She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
> killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then
> she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
>
> 'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.*> 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
>
> 'Stay the f... away from Aunt Cheryl when she's drinkin.'*

[shookie]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day
and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[darkside94]

im fuckin dyin man 

[shookie]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies."
He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can.
2 were on the phone."

[shookie]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $9

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[shookie]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

[darkside94]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $9

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

omfg that is some funy shit right there that was PRICELESS

[darkside94]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

that woulda been great if i hadnt heard it before and told it to everyone i know 

[NaturalRaptor]

Great stuff!   

[darkside94]

i got some great jokes that i know too but they are only good in person cuz you gotta use body language to explain 

[BRAD]

shookie thems all great jokes man

[darkside94]

OK this is one of my own.
Three girls are stuck on a deserted island
Ones a brunette, another a red head, and one a blonde
One day while sitting on the beach the brunette finds a lamp
They rubbed it to get the sand off
A magical genie appears and says
"you have three wishes what would you like"
They agreed that they would all get one wish
The brunette went first
She says "I wish I was home"
The genie grants her wish and she disappears
The read head went next
She says " I wish I was home"
The genie grants her wish and she dissapears
Then it was the blonde's turn
All of a sudden she gets all sad
The genie asks her
"Whats wrong dear?"
She replies "I wish all of my friends were here with me"

[dragonz]

Anyone follow Rugby at all??

A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian, and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter. The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up their hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.


"Well," said the little girl, "because I don't support the Wallabies." Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported. "I support the All Blacks", she replied. Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the All Blacks. "My mom supports the All Blacks, and my dad supports the All Blacks, so I support the All Blacks." The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"


The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby supporter!"

[BRAD]

the little girl had a good comeback