Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

The Plows Must Get Through!

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"

[Krandall]

^


Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
Joe agrees, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin setting up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they finally finish, there is such a crowd that they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and he's almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd what the heck is a piata?"

[Krandall]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[Krandall]

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that they take her "pay" to the bank. When they got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
To which the little girl replied: "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the goddamn sheetrock."

[Peelz]

LOL 

OK 9 year old humor from Aidan here. Pretty proud of this one-came up with it on his own.





If Napoleon Dynamite was a cop, what would his favorite food be?











TAZER tots 

[Krandall]

While in line at the bank, one guy suddenly starts massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turns and snarls, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," says the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I saw that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replies. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[Magz]

"The Pilot and the Navigator"

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. The navigator eyed him suspiciously as he placed it on top of the instrument panel.

After an uncomfortable pause, the pilot asks him, "Do you know what I use this for?"

"No, sir. What's it for?" the navigator asked, even though he was pretty sure what was up.

"I use this on navigators who get me lost!" the pilot said.

The pilot smirked, and turned back to his flying.

A few minutes later, the navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table, in full view of the pilot, but he didn't say anything.

The pilot finally had to ask: "What's that for?"

"To be honest, sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost long before you will."

[Peelz]

haha good one

[Magz]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye, and said, 'I would like to purchase
some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! Why, I'll lose my
license! They will throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and then replied, 'Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[Magz]

tough crowd not even an el oh el 

2nd try

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."

"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[Peelz]

  

[Krandall]

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

[dragonz]

Alkeries practise bike......................

[Krandall]

^ That guys spelling

[Peelz]

NO!

the WHOLE of New Zealand's spelling ability....