Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

 

[Peelz]

holy crap

[Geo]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.."

[Magz]

  I "shoot the dog" all the time too

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her billfold, extracted $10 and asked: "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said: "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you nuts?!" replied the homeless woman: "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman: "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded: "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied: "That's OK. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

[Krandall]

After dying and going to Hell, a man is shown into a room full of beautiful busty blondes and huge kegs full of beer. Shocked, the man turns to a demon and says: "You call this Hell?"

"Absolutely," the demon replies: "the kegs all have holes in them and the blondes don't."

[Hefe]

they have armpits, cleavage, or butt cracks... good enough!

[Krandall]

A man buys his wife a sparkling diamond ring for their 10th anniversary.

"It's nice," a friend says. "But I thought she wanted a sporty, four-wheel-drive car."

"She did," the man replies. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

[Peelz]

they have armpits, cleavage, or butt cracks... good enough!

Or, bend the leg back....


Kneepit!

[Krandall]

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in New York City. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building."

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks. "But I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The notice on the door reads:

"The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited."

[Krandall]

A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He shook his head and said: "That's your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"

[Krandall]

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" asked the woman: "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

[Peelz]

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" asked the woman: "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

[disco]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the
library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his
chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.