Post some good jokes here!!!!

[RaptorRandy]

And then the fight started.....





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.


I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply forSocial Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned

on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?'


And then the fight started....

****



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....


****


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My GERD!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....


****


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

****


My Wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

a compliment.'

I  replied, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[BRAD]

good ones man

[Flynbyu]

The ABC'S of your ex-girlfriend

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

~Brian

[BRAD]

good ones Brian

[BRAD]

A Japenese Girl was having sex and she accidentally farted.  She said "Oh me so sorry, you make front hole so happy back hole blow you a kiss"!!!

[BRAD]

Why do police hate Hillbilly murder cases??




















No dental Records and all the DNA matches!!!

[Flynbyu]

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?






























Pick him up and suck his dick.

~Brian

[Peelz]

LMAO you two.

leave it to brad for hillbilly joke, and brian for canine fellatio.

[kyledvor61]

nice brad

[Krandall]

 

RaptorRandy. That was awesome! 

[AJ RAPTOR]

The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO

Paperwork, and was burned out

Hoping to try another career where Skillful hands would be beneficial; 

he decided to become a mechanic

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, 

attended diligently, and learned all he could

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist 

prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous  skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had 

obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to 

appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if

there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart 

perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth

50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because 

you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my 

entire career"

[BRAD]

Good one AJ

[exentix]

haha wow nice 

[Lady4Fiddy]

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there,
too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

[socalrappy700]

Brian?

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.