Post some good jokes here!!!!

[BRAD]

great jokes Busby. and welcome back man. where ya been?

[Flynbyu]

A teacher is  explaining biology to her 4th grade students.  'Human beings are  the only animals that stutter', she  says.

A  little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',  she volunteered.

The  teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,  asked the girl to describe the  incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the  Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we  knew it, he jumped over the fence into  our yard!

'That  must've been scary', said the teacher.  '

It  sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went  'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' FERK', the Rottweiler  ate him!

~Brian

[Krandall]

 

That's awesome! 

[Peelz]

Cute Joke.

[kyledvor61]

Whats the similarity between Pink Floyd and Dale earnheardt?






















































There biggest hit was the wall.

[Peelz]

Miniho makes funny. :grin_nod:

Good one dude.

[Lady4Fiddy]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure.

>
> Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
> stressed Santa even more.

>
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.

>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
> the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

>
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
> shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
> drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he
> accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
> little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the
> broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
> broom.

>
> Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
> yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
> Christmas tree.

> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me
> to stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.

[Flynbyu]

Whats the similarity between Pink Floyd and Dale earnheardt?






















































There biggest hit was the wall.

+1

Damn!

~Brian

[Magz]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'










'Because you got an F in sex.'

[kyledvor61]

 

[Busby]

Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an

Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.


======================================================================

SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t,  just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
 
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
 
[Chorus]
 
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
 
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

Send this to all of the cool chicks you know,  And all the dude's who can handle this new remix...

=========================================================

'DON'T FART IN BED'

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you!!!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the  bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver  and the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.

He said, 'Honey, you were right.  All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of GERD, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!

===========================================================


If Santa
Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.  I'v ben a gud boy

all yeer.         Yer Friend, Billy


Dear
Billy,

Nice spelling.  You're on your way to a career in lawncare.  How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?  I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger.  At least HE can
spell.                 
Santa

*****************************************************

Dear
Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!             
Love, Sarah

Dear
Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?           
Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can
do.       Love, Teddy

Dear
Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let
me send you some Legos
instead.                     
Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a
tuba.           
Love, Francis


Dear
Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're
gay.  I'll set you up with a
Barbie.               
Santa


***************************************************

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back
door.                   
Love, Susan

Dear
Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh.  You want to do me a favor?  Leave me a
bottle of
Scotch.                 
Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year?  Are you busy making
toys?    Your friend, Thomas


Dear
Thomas,

All the toys are made in China .  I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time
making low-budget porno films.  I unwind by drinking myself silly and
squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps
table.  Hey, you wanted to
know.             
Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?           
Love, Jessica


Dear
Jessica,

Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do.  I'm
skipping your
house.          Santa


****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year.  Please, please, please, PLEASE,

PLEASE could I have one?       
Love, Timmy


Dear
Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me.  You're getting a sweater
again.                   
Santa


****************************************************

Dearest
Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house.  How do you get into our
home?   Love, Marky


Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school.  Second, you don't live in a house, you
live in a low-rent apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad
just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom
window.               
Sweet dreams,       Santa


Dear Santa

For christmas could I please have a blonde with big tits and a yamaha raptor with all
the trick parts on it.
I know it may be asking for a bit much but just do it.

Thanks Busby.



Dear Busby


You got the blonde hoover with the big tits already
as for the yamaha raptor with all the trick bits peels
said he would drop it off once he welds the grab bar
back up.

Santa

p.s Rudolf would you please stop using his nose for target practice

==========================================

HAPPY CHRISTMAS ALL

[blueyamaha]

Haha good one!

[Flynbyu]

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

Why is this important for every man to know?

Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return.

~Brian

[Peelz]

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

Why is this important for every man to know?

Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return.

~Brian

love it! 

[BRAD]

  Funny but so True Brian