Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Krandall]

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out!" yells the bartender: "I don't serve drunks here."

The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and loudly demands a drink.

"I thought I just told you to get out," says the bartender.

So the drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He again sits down and angrily calls for a drink.

The bartender walks over to the guy and says: "I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!"

The drunk looks up and slurs: "Hey, buddy, how many bars do you work at, anyway?"

[Magz]

re-post i know
but posting again cause pat is changing oil.


Changing Oil Instructions
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00

But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right...

[Spartan]

About to do step 2...

[Krandall]

Two gentlemen were discussing the sorry state of sexual morality.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," one man said self-righteously. "Did you?"

"I'm not sure," said the other, "what was her maiden name?"

[Krandall]

A man and a woman start making out in a dark forest. Things get pretty intense, then after about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says: "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

"Me too," the woman replies: "because you've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."

[Krandall]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks: "What happened, what's the holdup?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Glenn Beck, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O' Donnell and Al Sharpton," the man replies. "They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks: "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[Krandall]

A couple of blondes are on a large cruise ship. "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight," the first blonde says.

"Everyone must be watching the band," the second blonde replies.

"There isn't a band playing tonight," the first blonde says.

"Yes there is," the second blonde says. "I just heard someone shout, 'A band on ship!'"



ba-dum-crish!

[Peelz]

Hey oh!!!!!!!! 

[Krandall]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked: "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied: "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

[Lady4Fiddy]

How are woman and tornado's alike?

They both moan when they come, and take the house when they leave.   

[Krandall]

A maid asks for a pay rise.

"Why do you deserve one?" asks the lady of the house.

"Well, there are three reasons," replies the maid: "Firstly, I iron better than you."

"Who said that you iron better?" asks the lady of the house.

"Your husband said so," replies the maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense," says the lady of the house: "Who said you are a better cook than me?"

"Your husband," replies the maid: "And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

"Did my husband say that as well?" asks the lady of the house.

"No, the gardener did."

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

[Krandall]

A man driving his son to school accidentally makes an illegal turn at a red light.

"Uh-oh," the man says: "I think I just made an illegal turn!"

"It's OK, Dad," the boy replies: "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

[Krandall]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

Eventually, the woman goes to HR to make a sexual harassment claim. Puzzled, the HR supervisor asks: "What's sexually threatening about a coworker complimenting your hair?"

"You don't understand," the woman replies: "It's Toby... the midget."

[Magz]

So little Billy walks into his mom and dads bedroom and see mom and dad going at it. Dad winks at Billy and smiles.

2 days later Billys dad is looking for his son at his moms house. He walks into his moms room and finds Billy going at it with his grandmother. Billy winks at his dad and says "How do you like it when someone is doing it to your mom"?

[Krandall]

ERMAHGERD!