Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Colorado700R]

2010 Census Form for the South

Sorry if you are from the south, but this is funny.  In actuality, I think every state has a section that this applies to...

      The 2010 Federal Census For The South
      

      Last name: ________________

      First name: (Check appropriate box)
      (_) Billy-Bob
      (_) Billy-Joe
      (_) Billy-Ray
      (_) Billy-Sue
      (_) Billy-Mae
      (_) Billy-Jack

      What does everyone call you?
      (_) Booger
      (_) Bubba
      (_) Junior
      (_) Sissy
      (_) Other___________________

      Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

      Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

      Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

      Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
      (_) Farmer
      (_) Mechanic
      (_) Hair Dresser
      (_) Unemployed
      (_) Dirty Politician
      (_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 5 6 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) None(_)

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) What's a paved road?

[Hefe]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi found themselves seated up on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one small wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this moment and rejoice with profound happiness?"

Pelosi replied, "With one little wave of your hand, your Popeness?  I seriously doubt that.  Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her.

best story ever!!!

[Krandall]

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks: "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom," the boy clarifies: "down underneath."

His mother blushes and says: "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son," the father explains.

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is," the boy says: "What's the thing down there?"

The father says: "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"Dad," the son asks: "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains: "Well son, here's the truth: I've really spoiled that woman."

[Hefe]

I know how he feels!

[Peelz]

I know how She feels!

[Hefe]

not your best work

[Peelz]

yeah real work gets in the way 

[Hefe]

never for me

[Krandall]

One day, Little Johnny's dad asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed: "At age 6, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age 7, I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then, at age 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[Hefe]

I like that one!

[Krandall]

Lori, a pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded: "It's gotten to the point that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist: "And you want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter?"

"For GERD's sake, no!" exclaimed the nurse: "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[Busby]

HOW TO SAY I  LOVE YOU IN 5 LANGUAGES

English - I Love  You

French - Je  T'aime

Italian - Ti  Amo
   
Chinese- Wo Ai  Nin

Saskatchewan - Nice ass, get  in the truck

[Lady4Fiddy]

THESE REALLY WORK!!  I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

                           AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

                           DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Krandall]

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.





A-M-E-N!!!!!

[Peelz]

 

#6!!!