Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Magz]

old but funny.....maybe repost...
for all you bitches with snow...........

I have seen some of this before, but it is still funny. The really funny part is that this is happening in Nebraska right now!
Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No
snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove but won't admit it to her. GERD I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again,
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the a**hole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives
that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
then he comes down the street at a hundred miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry *&%*#@ Christmas!
Twenty more inches of the damn stuff tonight. Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B**** is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver and he is now
suing me for a million dollars---not only for the beating I gave him but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife
went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[dragonz]

LOL it's 25 deg celcius, (around 70f??) & I am working on my suntan when not at work
ok I admit it I don't ever tan well, but I'm a nice shade of off white now (except where I'm pink)

[jstev]

Yea whitey

[Krandall]

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that," he whispered: "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there isn't anything in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said: "If I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and had sex with her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's ass hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

[Magz]

old joke......

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running'.

[jstev]

^^^^  I likey.

[Krandall]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, and in those 30 minutes you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but they soon ran for the bushes together. Shortly thereafter, a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches could be heard. Then, 15 minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

[Krandall]

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," the man from the limousine said excitedly.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

So they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied: "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

[Krandall]

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'll be using your power saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?"

[Colorado700R]

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident,drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

   
   

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

   
   

   He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?

   
   

   Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

   
   

   The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.

   
   

   When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

   
   

   The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'

   
   

   Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

   
   

   The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight.

   
   

   Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

   
   

   The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

   
   

   The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

   
   

   The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

   
   

   They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl'

[Krandall]

 

[Spider/Paleface513]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

I didn't know where to put this fact o the day or joke of the day.

[Colorado700R]

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.




"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Ronald? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."



"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Ronald getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that,"
he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets for Ronald."

[Krandall]

[Colorado700R]

New supermarket opened in Iowa .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.