Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Lady4Fiddy]

Good one! I will never take Aaron shopping with me! lol

[Peelz]

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

next time we go shopping..............

[Bert]

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:


5.  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

Thay cracked me up Busby 

[kyledvor61]

What do Socal and Santa Claus have in common?

they both leave Kyles room with an empty sack 

thats not funny  :'( :'(

[exentix]

What do Socal and Santa Claus have in common?

they both leave Kyles room with an empty sack 

thats not funny  :'( :'(

your right

its hilarious 

[BRAD]

You might be a redneck if

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You've ever been too drunk to fish

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

[BRAD]

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

[Krandall]

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!



ugh. damn women.

[BRAD]

Translations for men


"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

[BRAD]

Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

[BRAD]

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?

1) No mind.
2) No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

[Flynbyu]

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?













A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.

~Brian

[Peelz]

repost...but a damn funny repost!  I love that joke!!!!!

[darkside94]

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[Busby]

WARNING - not politically correct!


A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'