Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Lady4Fiddy]

 

[Krandall]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure: "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

The optimist replied: "There has to be a pony in here somewhere!"

[Colorado700R]

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR. EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER.

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE
THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS
AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS.

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID
ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED .

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS

[Krandall]

 

[disco]

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Gunz]

Funyun?

[Krandall]

Two rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says: "I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Doug thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. "Logic," Larry says: "What's that?"

The dean says: "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah," Larry replies.

"Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard," the Dean explains.

"That's true, I do have a yard," Larry says.

"I'm not done," the Dean says: "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house," Larry says.

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family," the Dean continues.

"Yes, I have a family," Larry replies.

"I'm not done yet," the Dean says: "Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual!" Larry exclaims: "That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug that he signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Doug says: "What's that?"

Larry says: "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No," Doug replies.

"Then you're a queer!"

[Spartan]

 

[Krandall]

A woman goes to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist: "Can you tell me about Viagra?"

"What would you like to know," the pharmacist asks.

"What does it do?" the woman asks.

"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection," the pharmacist says.

"Can you get it over the counter?" the woman asks.

"Yes," the pharmacist replies: "but I'd probably need two pills for that."

[Magz]

Bubba and earlene, both in there late 20s decided that Bubba needed to get a vasectomy as they had nine kids.
So they go see the doc about the proceedure, doc asks why, after Nine kids would they like to do the deed.
earlene says, doc, we read in the paper that in america, one in Ten Kids is Mexican,We don;t want to have a mexican because we don't speak spanish

[Peelz]

Bubba and earlene, both in there late 20s decided that Bubba needed to get a vasectomy as they had nine kids.
So they go see the doc about the proceedure, doc asks why, after Nine kids would they like to do the deed.
earlene says, doc, we read in the paper that in america, one in Ten Kids is Mexican,We don;t want to have a mexican because we don't speak spanish

comes out wearing a sombrero

[Krandall]

Story of pat....



A guy visits a library and approaches the desk.

"Excuse me," he says: "Do you have the new self-help book for men with small dicks?"

The librarian replies: "No, it's not in yet."

"Yep, that's the one," says the man.

[Peelz]

Story of pat....



A guy visits a library and approaches the desk.

"Excuse me," he says: "Do you have the new self-help book for men with small dicks?"

The librarian replies: "No, it's not in yet."

"Yep, that's the one," says the man.

[Spartan]

FERK and off all of you

[Krandall]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic: "Next semester, in her biology class."