Post some good jokes here!!!!

[AJ RAPTOR]

A young guy from Newfoundland moves to Vancouver and goes to a big ' everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Little Hearts Ease.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'   
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says $101,237.65'.
The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was   
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'

[AJ RAPTOR]

 Voted
Best Joke in Ireland   

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to  spending
the rest of me  life, between the legs of me wife!" 

That won him  the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize  for
the Best toast of  the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now.  And what was your  toast?
John said, "Here's to  spending the rest of me life, sitting in

church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.  The next
day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

street  corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the  prize last
night at the  pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised  myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... 

Once he fell asleep,  and  the other time I had to pull him by

the ears to make  him come."

[AJ RAPTOR]

And then the fight started‏



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.  She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.
=======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
=====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

===============================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My GERD!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[kyledvor61]

 

[Peelz]

Raptor Randy posted that before I think. Hilarious love the gas station one.....

[Krandall]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Peelz]

good one Krandall, needed a laugh work is a zoo today.

[Lady4Fiddy]

that was funny Krandall 

[Krandall]

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

[Lady4Fiddy]

good one, thats gonna be my mom in 20 years, lol

[FoundArealQuad]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

[Colorado700R]

good one, thats gonna be my mom in 20 years, lol

I'm gonna tell her you said that!!!

[Lady4Fiddy]

go ahead she will admit to it! 

[Bert]

Hey
Don't say anything but guess who's still together after all the shit between them?

Your buttcheeks 

[Peelz]

Hey
Don't say anything but guess who's still together after all the shit between them?

Your buttcheeks