Post some good jokes here!!!!

[BRAD]

good one. i will have to try that joke sometime

[Krandall]

f*ckin women... that's good stuff. 

[Lady4Fiddy]

ASSHOLE or Anger management?

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON't know! I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, "Hello. I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** ing number!" Then he slammed down the phone. I couldn 't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word "asshole" next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole !" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is. I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front. I asked, "What's your name?" He said, 'My name is Don Hansen. I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five. I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea: I called Asshole 1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" But this time I didn't hang up. He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah. He screamed, "Stop calling me!" I said, "Make me. He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen. " He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch house. I have a black Beamer parked in front. He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers. I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole 2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole . He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass." I answered, "Well , asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now. Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. I feel much better.

Anger management it really Works!

[Krandall]

 


ERMAHGERD!!!! I SOOOOO Need to do that!

[Lady4Fiddy]

I know, it would be so much fun to see that go down, I'd video tape that Sh!t

[Lady4Fiddy]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course

became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you
are a hole behind me.  So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his  golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'



Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in
sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' 

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar
stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

[Lady4Fiddy]

This one is corny but kinda funny.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'  The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.  The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he madelove  to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!  Why? OH, come on... take a guess! Think about it (You're going to love this!)....You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[Lady4Fiddy]

DEER MEAT
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
 
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue .
 
Well, he said,  'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
 
The little girl screams to her brother
 
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole

[Lady4Fiddy]

Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND:

He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Lady4Fiddy]

COMPILATION OF MEXICAN  WORDS OF THE DAY!

'Heater' - My little sister started  to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.

'Juicy'  - Hey Vato, I will roll a  joint and ju tell me if juicy the  cops!

'Sodas'  -  My vieja looks good  and sodas her sister.

'Cheese' - Maria likes me  pero cheese too fat.

'   Chile '  - When my wife and I were  dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself  go.

'Juarez'  My vieja slapped me and I  said, juarez your *uckin problem!  Bish!

'Chicken' -  My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

'Harrassment'  -  Orale vato my old  lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I  dont even know water problem  is.

'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

'Mushroom'  - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the  car, there is not mushroom.

'Frito'  -  After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito  go.

'Wafer'  - I wanted to go to the  movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer! 


'Liver and Cheese'   - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I  told him 'orale loco liver  alone  cheese mines'

[Busby]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next  door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and  asked him to come  over.  Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.


As  he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He  replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 

I  didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?   What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard  grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,'  I replied.

'Write  it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So  I wrote down: I D 1 0 T .. 

I  used to like the little shit. 

[exentix]

those were all great 

[Lady4Fiddy]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there

were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my

wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming,

crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly

and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them 

[exentix]

  oh boy

[Peelz]

love it!