The setting.
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, I woke up one morning with my neighbor's dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbor's yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.
To make sure this never happened again, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, I did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for I think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I didn't unplug it.
Now I'm standing there, Ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "FERK!" I think as I remember I just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest I think "Oh GERD please die... pleeeeze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging GERD to kill me. No really. I actually asked to GERD to take me. Yes, I'm agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. GERD did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right).
3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and I now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
When did this all happen ??? :rofl:
ERMAHGERD, that just made my morning!!!!!LOLOLOLO
I can totally relate to pretty much all that, but just not all at the same time.
I was a electrician for a couple of years, have have been shock my everything under the sun. I have numerous pairs of wire strippers with LARGE holes in them...LOL
Beaner have you ever been shocked my a early 90's chevy cavileir z-34's coil pack? ERMAHGERD That was BAD!!!! Far worse than a 110 outlet.
wow.. I know what those super fencers feel like. My neighbor by my parents raises buffalo. I got dared to touch the fence... :mad:
ouch dude that sucks. but its funny as hell :rofl:
lol nobody found your shit piss jizz covered ass laying on the ground having a seizure? i wouldnt know whether to video tape that and put it on youtube or help the guy :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
oh my freaking GERD i seriously cried i laughed so hard reading that :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: +1 exnetix :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
i was laughing pretty hard till i read the very last part :rofl: holy crap beaner, thank you for that :clap:
sorry to hear about your shitty(no pun intended) time mowing. but that's funny as hell.
Yikes-ouchy beaner...Electric fence=pain! I was 5 and used a live plant to push fence down to cross. Bad idea! :lol: I did not "relieve" myself though. :lol: ???
Just last week, I shocked myself with the spark plug lead on the mower. I ran the mower into the edge of a plant, and it knocked the boot off. I let go of ignition to kill mower..and grabbed the boot....Bad idea! :rofl: FYI: make sure engine has completely stopped running before touching spark plug wire. ;)
im gonna star cutting grass in yellow boots and a tin foil hat at 3 am
Quote from: UncleBeaner on October 02, 2008, 05:00:52 PM
im gonna star cutting grass in yellow boots and a tin foil hat at 3 am
pics are required ;)
for personal use peels? :lol:
singing jimmie cracked corn
I pee'd on an electric fence once, didn't do much. :dunno:
Although I do have to wear a diaper during thunderstorms ???
:lol:
does anyone know how to get pee shit semen and blood out of pants?
Quote from: UncleBeaner on October 02, 2008, 05:29:38 PM
does anyone know how to get pee shit semen and blood out of pants?
PM sent
:rofl: :rofl: oh GERD
good luck beaner
What can I say? Limiteds' mom likes it freaky :dunno:
holy crap thats odd you mention him, he just messaged me on myspace like 20 minutes ago :mad:
Quote from: exentix on October 02, 2008, 05:39:50 PM
holy crap thats odd you mention him, he just messaged me on myspace like 20 minutes ago :mad:
hell hes on yahoo all the time. i get damn messages from him :mad:
he sends me a message and says fag muffin =) ...what a idiot i should remove him lol
:'( :rofl: damn Beaner I feel sorry for you but that has made my night in the way that you had told it. +1 to you sir !
lol thats an amazingly funny story!!!!! but that sucks lol
Limited talks to me all the time on AOL lol... i even get the occasional text message from him :help:
is this really true? probably over exaggerated? lol anyway... hilarious!
haha he txted me over the summer till i told him off cas he called my gf a bitch, then he stopped ???
Quote from: Krandall on October 02, 2008, 08:18:04 AM
wow.. I know what those super fencers feel like. My neighbor by my parents raises buffalo. I got dared to touch the fence... :mad:
+1 my dads has one and i have touched that damn thing so many times. Hes always says give me a minute and ill have it unpluged. So about 5mins go by and i grab it! :mad:
ERMAHGERD Beaner I almost peed, I laughed so hard I cried, :rofl:and even felt bad for you :( . Maybe next time you do yard work you should set up a video camera.
becareful what you wish for. We'll end up with video of beans mowing his lawn in a tube top and a leather miniskirt (again :'( )
Um... that would still be funny to see
Quote from: RappyPrincess on October 02, 2008, 11:16:18 PM
Um... that would still be funny to see
I'm not paying for the psychological counseling ::)
We can start a fundraiser for those mentally disturbed by Beaners actions. ;)
time for an upgrade beans 8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LXFSLK3otM&feature=related
Think beaner needs one of these to be safe :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bViEZhCvERo
Quote from: Busby on October 03, 2008, 06:33:29 AM
Think beaner needs one of these to be safe :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bViEZhCvERo
I SOOOOO want a self powered mower!!!
no cameras the man may be watching. ya get that fund going ill use it :lol:
I found you a lawn mower :thumbs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omO_NlizEPU
This one is a little more Gangster.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElTmshNSybg
stupid
2nd one is me
That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long while!! Thanks for sharing. :clap: :rofl: :clap: :rofl: :clap: :rofl:
No way... It's a wonder your still alive.
ironically...today is "the last time I cut the grass" ------for the year!!!!!! :lol: