Post some good jokes here!!!!

[dragonz]

Dear Dr Phil,

I was watching my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.  As I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded. Watching me.  Is she a pervert?
 

[Gunz]

Dear Dr Phil,

I was watching my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.  As I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded. Watching me.  Is she a pervert?
 

I spit coffee through my nose.

[Krandall]

Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So does 24 cans of beer & they're half the price.

[Colorado700R]

[Peelz]

Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So does 24 cans of beer & they're half the price.

 

[Krandall]

Mike and Dan had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Dan.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My GERD! That's terrible," said Dan, "but you said you only think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know," responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

[Krandall]

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Krandall]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

[Krandall]

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.

"What a coincidence!" he exclaims, "We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was about to buy a ticket and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "The exact same thing happened to me. I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch!'"

[Krandall]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled: "Um... no."

The lawyer interrupts: "... or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"... Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident leaving her penniless with three children?!" the lawyer continued.

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply: "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Magz]

Lipstick in Catholic School

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they
put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided
that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had
to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from
the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister
Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers..... And then there are educators!!


And yes I am Catholic.

[Krandall]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies: "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says: "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice: "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

[Krandall]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced the first blonde.

"Do what?" asked her friend.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[Krandall]

Hefe went to his favorite bar and met a woman. They hit it off and went to her place and had sex. He tried and tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.

A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to see the doctor about this oddity. The doctor asked him if he had sex recently to which the old man said that he had.

"Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.

"Sure do," said hefer.

"Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor, "You're about to come."

[Peelz]