Post some good jokes here!!!!

[dragonz]

Man's Journey

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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[dragonz]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" "Isn't it amazing how things evolve on their own?" ... he said to himself.


As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.


He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.


At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my GERD!.."


Time stopped.


The bear froze.


The forest was silent.


It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:


"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light.


"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"


"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.


And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:


"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.

[Krandall]

 

[Krandall]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Krandall]

A man was stranded in the desert for 10 years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar?"

The man said: "Lady, I ain't smoked in 10 years."

So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said: "Would you like a drink?"

The man said: "Lady, I ain't drank in 10 years."

So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said: "Would you like to play around?"

The man said with astonishment: "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!"

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A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boy's future, the judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

"Well, Johnny" says the judge, "would you like to live with your mother?"

"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

"Well then," the judge continues, "would you like to live with your father?"

"No" replied Johnny again, "he hits me all the time too!"

The judge looks exasperated and says to the boy: "well, Johnny, who would you like to live with?"

"I'd like to live with the Detroit Lions," the boy replied quickly.

"Why on earth would you want to live with the Detroit Lions?" replied the now extremely puzzled judge.

"Well," replied Johnny, "they never beat anyone."


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A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.

The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."

The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."

The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"

The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."


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Maria was just married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria," he mother said: "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," the mother said: "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother: "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he has hairy legs!"

"Don't worry," her mother said: "All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," the mother said: "This is a job for Mama."

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A mother walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned: "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

[dragonz]

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[dragonz]

Surgery;
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.
You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless,
and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...
they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
 

[Krandall]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, , Oprah Winfrey, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?
'About a gallon'

[Spider/Paleface513]

SEE YOU BEAT ME TO IT I TRIED TAKING OUT OF BREAKING NEW BUT FAILED I'LL GO MODIFY IT

[Peelz]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, , Oprah Winfrey, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?
'About a gallon'

holy $hit this one made my day!

[Gunz]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?"  Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful!  Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"We  recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

"Life is tough.....but it's tougher if you're stupid"

ERMAHGERD   

[Lady4Fiddy]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

 

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and  out of the grave and

come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

 

Neighbors feared him.  They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange

occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

 

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart

attack when he was 98.

               

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.  After the burial, she went straight to the local bar

and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

 

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to

dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

                         

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down.'

               

 

Damn!!! Women think of everything!!

[Krandall]

 

[Spider/Paleface513]

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Little Rock, Arkansas

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising FIVE MILLION DOLLARS for placing a statue of Bill Clinton, after he is elected, in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.
The BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it next to George Washington, a man who never told a lie; nor beside Richard Nixon, a man who never told the truth, since Bill CLinton cannot tell the difference.
We decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land"
Five thousand years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up your Camels, this is the Promised Land."
Now Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who have any money left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
 
THE BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
PS. It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from an jackass to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives one a false sense of security while being screwed

[Peelz]