Post some good jokes here!!!!

[NaturalRaptor]

You know the toothbrush was named in Colorado, because if it was named any where else it would be called a teethbrush! 

[exentix]

  thats awesome natural 

[Colorado700R]

what do you call a 13 year old virgin girl in Texas?






































Brotherless  

[NaturalRaptor]

You live in Colorado when...

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

[Colorado700R]

you live in Texas when.....

You can pull your home with a pickup truck

Your wifes house coat has a tent and awning tag on it.

your considered "advanced" by completing kindergarten after only three trys

 

[NaturalRaptor]

You Know You Live in Colorado When...

You switch from "Heat" to A/C in one day, but also need an umbrella.

You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.

You're a meat eating vegetarian.

You use a down comforter in the summer cause you have the A/c set at 55 degrees.

You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.

You install security lights on your house and garage but leave all the doors unlocked.

You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.

You carry jumper cables in the truck and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

[Colorado700R]

You Know You Live in Colorado When...

You switch from "Heat" to A/C in one day, but also need an umbrella. TRUE

You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means. TRUE

Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.  Very TRUE

You're a meat eating vegetarian. FERK NO

You use a down comforter in the summer cause you have the A/c set at 55 degrees. TRUE 

You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching. YES, but thats not a CO skill (WI)

You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise. OH HELL NO

You install security lights on your house and garage but leave all the doors unlocked. SO TRUE 

You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer. FERK NO

You carry jumper cables in the truck and your girlfriend knows how to use them. SO 

 

[NaturalRaptor]

You know when you live in Colorado when:


You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter cause the potholes are filled with snow.

You think that sexy lingerie are tube sox and flannel PJs.

You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and construction.

You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate the team's victory.

You think the Governor is John Elway.

Your idea of a traffic jam is more that 10 pedestrians on the bike path.

You carry skis on your car, "just in case."

You can never figure out why your out of town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.

[Colorado700R]

TEXAS DEER HUNT



                                 
Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. “CLICK”
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday
Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising GERD never to hunt again.

 

[NaturalRaptor]

Injury Claim in Colorado



A farmer who has been involved in a terrible road accident with
a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation
claim. "I understand your claiming damages for the injuries you
supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance
company. "Yes, thats' right," replied the farmer, nodding his
head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed
police statement that says that when the attending police
officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never
felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but..."
stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice,"
council interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's council to ask him
questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of
events following the accident when you made your statement of
health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer.
"After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken
leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes
along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he
goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then
he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now,
mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

[Colorado700R]

Your a Texan if......



1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.


2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.


3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.


4. You measure distance in minutes.


5. You know several people who have hit a deer.


6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.


7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.


8. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.


9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."


10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.


11. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.


12. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals, but think nothing of it.


13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.


14. You use "fix" as an auxiliary verb. Example: "Ahm fixin' to go to the store."


15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.


16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.


17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.


18. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.


19. You know what "cow tippin" and "snipe huntin" is.


20. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.


21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
22. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.


23. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.


24. You think that deer season is a national holiday.


25. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.


26. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."


27. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.


28. You know if another Texan is from south, east, west, or north Texas as soon as they open their mouth.


29. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.


30. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as "good gumbo weather."


31. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop-it's a Coke (or a Dr. Pepper), regardless of brand or flavor.


32. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'."


33. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.


34. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy").

[NaturalRaptor]

Your a Texan if......



1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. Everyday


2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. False

3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. True

4. You measure distance in minutes. Yes I do

5. You know several people who have hit a deer. True


6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. Idiots


7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. False


8. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. True

9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." False


10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. True


11. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies. True


12. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals, but think nothing of it. True, thats my family


13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. Thats me


14. You use "fix" as an auxiliary verb. Example: "Ahm fixin' to go to the store." me again


15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. SO WHAT!


16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. true


17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. Don't piss off Aunt Alice


18. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car. True (Why else)


19. You know what "cow tippin" and "snipe huntin" is. goes along with beer drinking


20. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. AND Jalapenos


21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. TRUE

22. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. NO boxer shorts needed


23. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. 


24. You think that deer season is a national holiday. IT SHOULD BE 


25. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. Yep


26. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm." That is actualy cooling down


27. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.


28. You know if another Texan is from south, east, west, or north Texas as soon as they open their mouth. True   :grin_nod:


29. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more. Found it in smaller towns too


30. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as "good gumbo weather." STEW


31. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop-it's a Coke (or a Dr. Pepper), regardless of brand or flavor. Yep 


32. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'." False it is Wally-World


33. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself. False


34. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy"). Sausage - Biscuits and gravy but tacos rule down here! 

[NaturalRaptor]

New Colorado Quarters Recalled

If any of you are collecting the new state quarters, you may have to wait a while for the Colorado ones.

The US Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Colorado quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Colorado quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.

"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin- operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford.

The winning design for the Colorado quarter was submitted by University of Colorado at Boulder student William Doutrieux.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

[Colorado700R]

New Colorado Quarters Recalled

If any of you are collecting the new state quarters, you may have to wait a while for the Colorado ones.

The US Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Colorado quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Colorado quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.

"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin- operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford.

The winning design for the Colorado quarter was submitted by University of Colorado at Boulder student William Doutrieux.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Suprising a Texan would realize 2 dimes and a nickle is equal to a quarter 

[NaturalRaptor]

Oh its on now!   



Colorado Pilot

Due to the recent downturn in the economy, many Colorado fans are crossing into Nebraska in an attempt to find work.

Nebraska has implemented border patrols in order to curtail this activity, requiring that all those entering from Colorado have a skilled trade.

Recently near Parks, NE a Colorado native was stopped by the NE State Patrol. The patrolman inquired as to his trade: "I'm a pilot"; stated the Colorado fan, and the Patrolman let him pass.

The next Colorado car in line pulls up to the checkpoint, and the Patrolman again asks the question. "Why, I cut timber"; stated the driver.

"I'm sorry sir but you're going to have to turn around" said the Patrolman.

"But you just let my brother cross!" exclaimed the driver of the second vehicle. "Yes sir", explained the patrolman: "because your brother said that he was a pilot."

"Well, that just shows how stupid you are" said the Colorado fan, "He can't pile it, if I don't cut it!"