Post some good jokes here!!!!

[NaturalRaptor]

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America ?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know crap?

[NaturalRaptor]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

 
Harry: '9.'

 
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

 
Harry: '36.'


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

 
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

 
The principal and Harry both agreed.

 
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

 
Harry: 'Pants.'

 
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 
Harry: 'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

 
The principal was trembling.

 
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

 
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....' 

[Colorado700R]

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America ?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know crap?

 

[kyledvor61]

 

[NaturalRaptor]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
 
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there ag ain and we can do it for old time's sake?'
 
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
 
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a 20 year old fence.
 
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
 
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
 
 Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
 
 As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
 
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

 

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
 
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
 
 
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. He says, 'Well, Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

[BRAD]

funny as hell man

[kyledvor61]

 

[Busby]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small

children.   “You all have obsessions” he observed.
 
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating.

You have named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom,. “Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests

itself in your child’s name, Penny.'
 
He turned to the third mom. “Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows

 itself in your child’s name, Brandy.'
 
At this point the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,

took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

 “Come on Dick, we’re leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy

 are waiting for us!”

 

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Busby]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch TV!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . .  Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .  They don't have time.

He said . . .  How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . .  We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Krandall]

I like the men happier one! 

[BRAD]

good one Busby

[Peelz]

wtf is "petrol", Busby? Just Kidding!

love it "the world is your urinal"

[kyledvor61]

 

[Busby]

wtf is "petrol", Busby? Just Kidding!

love it "the world is your urinal"

It's a bit like meth just not as strong lol

[Peelz]

wtf is "petrol", Busby? Just Kidding!

love it "the world is your urinal"

It's a bit like meth just not as strong lol

  does it go under the "boot"? sorry man, I am hating working today.