Post some good jokes here!!!!

[Lady4Fiddy]

Thats great, I agree with the officer, 

[Bert]

Monica Lewinsky was on TV stating that she would back the Republicans this round as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth 

[Peelz]

Monica Lewinsky was on TV stating that she would back the Republicans this round as the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth 

 

[kyledvor61]

  awesome

[Busby]

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
 
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
 
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

[Busby]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,  cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put  into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my GERD! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,  and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:






'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Lady4Fiddy]

Rules for Work



    1.  Never give me work in the morning.   Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

    2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

    3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

    4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

    5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.  I am psychic.

    6.  Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

    7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

    8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

    9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.

    10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

    11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

    12.  Tell me all your little problems.   No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

    13.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating   with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

[Lady4Fiddy]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Lady4Fiddy]

Annoying Boy on Bus   

    
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[Lady4Fiddy]

Little Old Lady Knows how to gamble.   

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."   

[Busby]

    'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines' brought to you by Bubba & Cooter.  Enjoy!


    1 ) Did you fart?
    cuz you blew me away.

    2 ) Are yer parents stupid?
    cuz ya sure are special.

    3 ) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
    I can't hold it in.

    4 ) Do you have a library card?
    cuz I'd like to sign you out

    5 ) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
    cuz I can see myself in em.
         
    6 ) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
    I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

    7 ) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
    but beauty's only a light switch away.

    8 ) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
   Woman - 'WHAT?'
    Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

    9 ) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
    but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

    10 ) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
    I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

    11 ) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

    12 ) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
    we kin sleep til afternoon.


    AND.. the best for last!

    13 ) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
    every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

[BRAD]

good ones Busby them are kickass

[kyledvor61]

awesome busby

[Lady4Fiddy]

Nice ones Busby     

[Busby]

good ones Busby them are kickass

No using them now Brad ok ... or atleast wait till i get there